Lindsey Graham Straight Sex Tape Proves Senator Not Gay?

Video footage of Lindsey Graham engaging in what appears to be a sex act with a woman leaked onto the internet today, dispelling any suspicion and all possible future evidence that might suggest that the third-term Senator is gay, his office says.

"First of all, that some unscrupulous person somehow acquired and distributed this tape of Grahams' most intimate and heterosexual personal life is despicable," Graham's secretary Bradley Suarez remarked. "However, perhaps it puts to bed the scurrilous speculation that the Senator is not completely, 100% straight. Which he is. "

Though grainy and poorly lit, the bedroom footage appears to show the pajama-clad Senator kissing the woman once on the cheek, then taking a large sip of an unidentifiable liquid on the nightstand before proceeding to roll over on top of her, where he remained for approximately 30 seconds before rolling off again.

Suarez went on to address a theory that Graham's recent abrupt turnaround from being one of President Trump's most outspoken GOP critics to one of his strongest supporters is the product of a blackmail campaign by Trump's Russian backers who are using evidence of his sexual proclivities as blackmail.

"That's ridiculous," Suarez scoffed. "And even if they did have, say, hotel footage of someone who looks like the Senator engaged in sex acts with men or anything else, I'm pretty sure this new video proves that it couldn't be him, because Lindsay Graham is all man."