Vladimir Putin
Accuses UK Government Of Satirical, Russian
Double Agent Murder In Moscow
The Kremlin has angrily
accused the British Government of assassinating
an ex-MI6 double agent, resident in Moscow.
Alexei Smithski was crushed
to death last week when a large, trapezoidal,
cast iron weight, labelled ‘10 Tons’
fell on his head. Moscow has strongly asserted
that the manner of the death conclusively
implicates the British Government.
The Moscow police
department, who investigated the incident,
concluded that the complex sequence of events
that culminated in the fatality began when a
candle had been lit. That candle had been
situated at one end of a tall, rickety, wooden
structure which had mysteriously been erected in
Red Square.
The candle had burned
through a rope which had caused the release of a
large, metal ball from a box at the top of the
wooden structure.
The ball had then rolled
down a curving track and struck a knob which had
released water from an upper reservoir into a
lower one. The weight of water in the lower
reservoir had caused a lever to tilt and hit the
first of a row of domino-like slabs. These slabs
had sequentially collapsed onto each other –
felling each successive slab in turn.
The final collapse had
triggered the release mechanism of a spring
loaded knife which had rapidly rotated
horizontally and severed the rope from which the
fatal weight had been suspended.
The weight had then fallen
upon Mr Smithski, who had been standing directly
below it.
Theresa May stated in the
House of Commons that Britain had had absolutely
nothing to do with the incident, and listed 194
alternative countries that might have been
responsible.
Russian intelligence has
countered by asserting there to be no plausible
alternative explanation other than a British
government plot. They point to illustrations of
similar offensive devices drawn during both world
wars by the English cartoonist and illustrator,
William Heath Robinson.
International observers
have also noted that the design of the murder
apparatus was, indeed, characteristically British
– being quite different, for example, from
comparable American technology such as that used
by Wile E. Coyote in his attempts to stop Road
Runner.
Nikolay Defectorvitch, a
Russian expert living in the UK, explained that
the Russians would have been surprised at this
response to their attempted murder of Sergei and
Yulia Skripal in Salisbury, England.
‘When planning the
attack on the Skripals and the Russian denial,'
Mr Defectorvitch noted, 'Putin would have taken
no account of the British sense of humour. The UK
appears to have retaliated, however, with a
clearly British form of assassination that is
even more bizarre and over-complicated than the
administration of a nerve agent. They have then
totally denied any involvement – Moscow
style.
‘By doing so,' Mr
Defectorvitch concluded, 'Downing Street has,
what you British call, “taken the piss”
in a manner that no foreigner could possibly
emulate.’
It is currently unclear how
Vladimir Putin will react to being satirised in
such a direct and public manner. Some observers
speculate that the only response that might
satisfy his ego would be an all-out nuclear war.
In preparation for such a
scenario, British Government satirists are said
to be urgently developing a brilliant,
devastating piece of sardonic wit to be the final
message broadcast by any member of the human race.
|
