Roy Moore Set to Become America's First Mentally Retarded Senator

Alabama voters appear on track to elect the nation's first mentally retarded person to the US Senate.

Roy Moore, the openly retarded Republican candidate running to fill Attorney General Jeff Sessions' Senate seat in this year's special election, is currently leading Democratic contender Doug Jones, who is an attorney, by 2 to 5 points in recent polls.

Despite there having been several members of the House of Representatives who have been mentally retarded and hundreds more congressmen and congresswoman who have acted in a retarded fashion while in office, Moore, an adult who likes to dress like a cowboy and hang out in shopping malls, would indeed be the first certifiably mentally retarded person to serve in the nation's most hallowed chamber of the legislature.

"It's an inspiring story," Moore's campaign manager Luther Fenster marvelled. "Here's a man who has been banned from the Gadsden Mall and twice removed from his post as a State Supreme Court Judge for not understanding how the justice system works, and yet now he's going to be a US Senator. It's truly amazing."

Even some of Moore's most vocal detractors, including some who previously accused him of sexual harassment and assault, have since come around to support the special candidate.

"Once when I was sixteen Roy Moore tackled me into a planter outside Woolworth's and tried to pull my pants off. I was horrified and outraged," one former accuser recalled. "Now that I know about his mental condition however, I guess I'm okay with it. In fact, I might be a little flattered. You go, Roy!"