Al Franken Apologizes for Being too Loving

Al Franken, dogged by multiple, mistaken harassment claims and photographic evidence, bravely faced the public and released a statement of apology–privately, through his representative.

“I am a warm person,” Senator Franken said openly (and warmly, we might add). “I like to hug people. And when I say hug people, I mean ALL of people – I leave no part un-hugged. I especially feel like the lower back area is sad all the time because it goes without hugs, so I try to make up for that by hugging it with my hands, mostly.”

“And if they mistook that for something else, then I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m too loving.”

Senator Franken (D) of Minnesota has been serving politically for almost ten years now, and serving up hugs for much, much longer.

As seen in the captured image above, Mr. Franken perfected the art of his hug and released it in an educational video for prominent men, whether business, political, or celebrity.

Footage transcript: “If you’re a warm, powerful person like me, give lots of hugs! Like so…(see featured image).”

Radio news anchor Leeann Tweeden and local Texan Lindsay Menz both misunderstood the nature of Senator Franken’s warm gestures, the former in 2006 and the latter in 2010, and have accused him of gross and improper conduct.

“I respect women,” Senator Franken responded in his own defense, with all the gravitas he could muster. “I respect women as much as I hug them; and I hug them a lot.”