Halloween – the time when ghosts, ghouls and celebrity sex offenders come out to play. Taking advantage of the cover of ‘trick or treat’, some of Hollywood’s top sex pests have allegedly donned a spooky costume to try and take advantage of unsuspecting lone women. “Back in the day Errol Flynn was notorious for knocking on the doors of single women, with a sheet with eye holes cut in it over his head,” claims Hollywood historian Zack Zipster. “When they opened the door he’d shout ‘Trick or treat?’ – whatever they replied, he’d whip the sheet off to reveal that underneath he was stark naked. Robert Mitchum used to pull a similar stunt. Except that he didn’t even bother with the sheet. If they said ‘treat’ he’d swing his dick around for them. If they said ‘trick’, he’d shag their pumpkins to destruction.” But such incidents aren’t confined to the so called ‘Golden Age’ of Hollywood, with Zipster claiming that that they still occur today. “I was told by one up and coming starlet that one Halloween Harvey Weinstein had called at her house doing the Errol Flynn schtick, except that the sheet was only covering his apparently erect penis,” he asserts. “When he asked ‘Trick or treat?’ she said ‘trick’ and he pulled the sheet away to reveal that his penis was, despite appearances, actually flaccid. To this day she tanks God that she didn’t say ‘Treat’. After that, she slammed the door in his face and hasn’t worked in Hollywood since!”

Most Hollywood stars though, allegedly use the anonymity of Halloween costumes in order to offend with impunity. “One woman in Burbank told me that back in 1971 she had some ‘trick or treaters’ turn up on her doorstep dressed as a mummy and a werewolf – she reckons that, as she leaned forward to throw some candy in their bags, they both felt her up!” says Zipster. “The mummy went for a quick squeeze of her breasts, while the werewolf aimed lower. As she hurriedly turned to go back inside and close the front door on them, she felt the werewolf slap her ass as well! The thing is, she swore blind that under the heavy make up jobs were Christopher Lee and Vincent Price! She said it was the voices that gave them away. Of course, their agents denied it all and they both had alibis. But when you think about it, it is the perfect cover for a bit of seasonal groping.” More recently, Zipster relates the story of a California TV weather girl who found herself confronted by the Frankenstein Monster and Creature from the Black Lagoon on her doorstep on Halloween night 2006. “They didn’t even bother with the ‘trick or treat?’ spiel – they just exposed themselves to her,” he says. “Obviously, the guy in the Creature suit took some time to get his todger out, but he got there in the end. Anyway, she was convinced that they were actually Ben Affleck and Matt Damon – she said it was the way they sniggered, plus, they both had highly unimpressive genitalia. Obviously, for legal reasons I have to say it wasn’t them, but she still thinks it was.”

One of the biggest questions being asked about the allegations of sexual misconduct currently being levelled at Harvey Weinstein is how an overweight, ugly, middle aged millionaire film producer was able to allegedly assault so many attractive aspiring young actresses? How did he secure their silence for so many years? According to Zipster’s sources, it has less to do with his power, as a top Hollywood producer, to make or break careers, but rather his occult powers. “Allegedly, he employs a Haitian voodoo priest, who can put these women into a zombie-like trance, during which they are powerless to resist his advances,” says the Hollywood historian. “Often, they are unable to recall the events for months, even years. Even then, they frequently dismiss them nightmares.” Zipster cites the case of one actress who, having been invited to t producer’s hotel room, found herself confronted by a battery of voodoo drummers and a witch doctor in full regalia. “She thought that he was perhaps just a bit eccentric,” Zipster says. “But then the priest blew this dust in her face and next thing she knew, she was waking up on the set of a voodoo-themed porno movie, with no recollection of having even auditioned for it.” To further ensure the silence of his victims, the producer allegedly had the priest construct voodoo dolls of them. “If they threatened to expose him, he’d stick needles into them, sending them into paroxysms of pain,” reveals Zipster. “Alternatively, he could use the dolls to remotely induce orgasms in them, humiliating and sexually abusing them remotely!”

It isn’t just the sexual abuse of living celebrity women of which producer Harvey Weinstein stands accused. In a bizarre twist to the allegations currently swirling around the former Miramax chief, several female icons have apparently stepped forward from beyond the grave to accuse him of sexual misconduct. “It all started with a Hollywood celebrity séance held by Madam Blartsky, medium to the stars, held a couple of weeks ago at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house,” Zipster relates. “Apparently, none other than Marilyn Monroe materialised to tell her story of how Harvey Weinstein had sexually assaulted her!” Rather than a sordid story of necrophilia, however, the spectral, yet still voluptuous, actress told of how Weinstein had employed and unscrupulous medium to summon various female movie stars from beyond the grave, against their will, in order to assault them. “In her case, as soon as she was materialised, Weinstein allegedly actually put his hands inside her ectoplasm and groped her breasts from the inside!” says Zipster. “Apparently he also, quite literally, stuck his head right up her ectoplasmic ass and performed fellatio on her internally! Thanks to the powerful spell the medium had bound her with, she was powerless to resist!” Following the ghostly Monroe’s revelations, several other dead female Hollywood stars came forward at séances to tell their stories of abuse. “What he allegedly did to Thelma Todd was beyond belief,” sighs Zipster. “As for Jayne Mansfield – she said that she felt she was going to have to do another ten years in purgatory to cleanse her soul after suffering Weinstein’s ‘affections’.”

Zipster’s claims, made in the pages of top supermarket tabloid the Weekly World Shopper, have been met with incredulity. Not only have representatives of Harvey Weinstein condemned them as ‘utterly ludicrous’, but lawyers representing his alleged victims have labelled them ‘offensive’, claiming that they trivialise the serious issue of sexual abuse in the entertainment industry. Nonetheless, Zipster is sticking to them, warning readers of the tabloid that, with Halloween approaching, they should be on their guard for Austrian accented muscle bound vampires silver haired cigar smoking mad scientists or overweight martial arts practising Zombies masquerading as trick or treaters: “Trust me, they’re all celebrity sex pests in disguise!”