No More Abortions Again, Starting... Now!
By: Rep. Tim Murphy (R-PA)

Okay, yeah, so it was recently revealed that after a lengthy political career as an outspoken opponent of abortion I asked a woman with whom I had been engaged in an extramarital affair to terminate her pregnancy, but, well.

Let's just say, no more abortions again, starting... now!

To make myself perfectly clear, I remain steadfastly pro-life. But this was different. After all, I'm a respected member of Congress whose positive influence, including the potential salvation of millions of other unborn babies through my work, far outweighs the consequence of one slight indiscretion. And besides, the woman was kind of older, so the baby would have probably been messed up anyway.

Not that that's an excuse, of course. No more abortions again! No matter what!

Honestly though, who could raise a child on a congressman's salary these days? Just saying, sometimes I think maybe there should be exceptions to things. Like my housekeeper Josie, for example. Working her way through college scrubbing my toilets, doesn't speak a lick of Spanish, doesn't know a soul outside of Pittsburgh, but because of this DACA thing, she's going to be shipped off to Guatemala in two years.

Just kidding. I don't really care. Adios Josie! And don't kill any of your future unplanned children! There's always a way!