Area resident and father of two, Harry Fits, was accused yesterday of sneezing under false pretenses. Initially, neighbors thought nothing of the first two; and according to eye-witnesses, they were willing to wait it out and give him a “God bless you” even after the fifth and sixth one.
But when he reached twelve, they had had enough.
“Come on,” said one angry neighbor in an irritated voice, slowly drawing out each word while rolling her eyes. “Have you ever heard of someone sneezing eighteen times! In a row! It’s ridiculous and we shouldn’t have to stand for it.”
Another cul-de-sac comrade said, “It would be one thing if his fraudulent fit were done quietly, but no, he has to scream while doing it too? You know what I’m talking about – those people that feel the need to scare the shit out of you and pretend that they couldn’t help it. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, did I make you cough milk out of your nose again?’ You know the type.”
We talked to a local sternutation scientist to get their take on the incident.
“It’s not common knowledge, but the record of consecutive sneezes is forty-five,” Dr. Seerius revealed to us. “However, since most people are only used to an average of 2.5 sneezes at a time, it does cast doubt on Mr. Fits series of violent mouth spasms.”
Needless to say, after the incident occurred, the home-owner’s association sent a notice warning Mr. Fits of any further actions that may “disturb the respectful and peaceful cul-de-sac in which he takes residence” and that he confine his selfish behavior to social media like any other normal human being.
“We have a strict set of bylaws regarding involuntary functions that apply here,” an anonymous HOA rep said. “No resident shall sneeze for the purposes of self-aggrandizement, social status, or acquiring unreasonable amounts of ‘bless yous’.”
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