Your Entire Fantasy Football Team Lost for Season

Quarterback Matt Ryan tore both his ACL and MCL when he slipped on a patch of ice this morning.

A seemingly unlikely accident considering the balmy weather in Atlanta this time of year, your starting fantasy football quarterback will miss the rest of the season along with the rest of your first string roster, all of whom were also either suspended, placed on injured reserve or died during the last 24 hours.

Beginning with your top running back Devonta Freeman, who was run over and killed by an Uber driver while walking his dog last night, your #2 back Joe Mixon will also be sidelined for the year after he was captured on camera beating a Dairy Queen employee to death for putting rainbow jimmies on his Peanut Buster Parfait.

"I asked for chocolate," Mixon explained.

Then, in the afternoon, your top receiver Doug Baldwin broke his leg shopping for a new couch with his wife, and your tight end Kyle Rudolph was shot to death after being taken hostage in a bank robbery.

"This is crazy. Every fucking year, this fucking bullshit happens," you fumed in frustration - even before you found out that your other starting receiver Golden Tate was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, that your kicker Matt Prater has retired after announcing his decision to become a woman, and that the entire Kansas City Chiefs defense perished in a tragic restaurant fire while celebrating Tamba Hali's birthday.

"Fucking shit!" you said.