No Fun 4th of July Facts and Suggestions
By: Patty Pooper

A writer and childless widow, Patty Pooper is widely regarded as an unwelcome voice of truth and reason.

• While enjoying the fireworks and burgers and games we play together to commemorate the independence of our nation, let's not forget the more than 500 Native nations that were decimated to pave its way, nor the millions who fell like wheat to the scythe of our forefathers - whose lust for blood was exceded only by their lust for land as they killed with such prolific and reckless abandon as to crush through warfare, starvation and biological warfare these noble people's ability or willingness to repopulate their numbers, often going to such extremes as to throw their own newborn babies from cliffs rather than subject them to the hell that had been made of their once peaceful and abundant cultures.

• Chris Cornell wrote a song titled "4th of July" once with Soundgarden. Later, he hung himself in a hotel bathroom.

• Water games are usually a great way to beat the heat and have some fun on the 4th of July. That is, unless you're one of the dozens of children each year whose parent or guardian puts the Slip'n Slide too close to a laundry post and you break every bone in your face.

• With all the fun and fooferall of the holiday, more Americans die in automobile accidents on the Fourth of July than any other day of the year. Still, getting together brings us closer and creates memories we'll carry for a lifetime. Like the man in South Carolina last year who was speeding to the store to get more ice for his big bash when he lost control of his car and crashed into his own daughter heading in the other direction,- killing her, his son-in-law and two of his three grandchildren.

• On the other hand, the average American produces 9,000 tons of carbon dioxide in their lifetime, so maybe you'd feel a little less guilty giving the Land Rover the holiday off, as well. Bean bag toss for one, anyone?

• Everybody loves 4th of July fireworks displays. Glittery, shimmery sparks dazzle the eye while patriotic music clouds the mind. Unless you're a cat, or a dog, of course. And especially an older one with a health condition. Indeed, while watching your local fireworks from the altitude of some hillock or knoll this year, take a moment to reflect upon the dozens of helpless pets curled under couches and desks in those darkened homes below, panting their final breaths as their hearts explode.

• Add some spirit to your 4th of July party with some patriotic tunes, such as John Philip Sousa's 'Stars and Stripes Forever', or the 1964 version of 'This Land is Your Land' sung by Bing Crosby, a drunk who beat his children.

• Enjoy your older relatives this Fourth of July, because they will soon be dead. As you too shall be, following on the same ceaseless march into the grave.

• Teach your kids about the Founding Fathers. Like George Washington, who once ordered the slaughter of a platoon of surrendering French soldiers in the French-Indian War, or Thomas Jefferson, who raped some of the slaves he owned, or maybe Benjamin Franklin, the syphilitic womanizer.

• Raise a beer to freedom this Fourth of July! Most suitably after you've had six or seven and no longer remember all your debt or the fact that if you lose your job tomorrow you'll be royally fucked.