Phoenix, AZ—President Trump was all smiles today upon hearing the news our veterans will no longer be forced to wait around VA centers for days, weeks or even months only to find out no services are available. Biff Lang of the Phoenix Regional Veterans No-Benefits Office said, “It’s really simple now. There’s no funding, so there’s no sense hanging around the lobby or outside the building anymore. In fact, now it comes with a loitering charge, which is helpful for our thriving local private prison industry. More importantly it’s win-win for our veterans, who have earned a nice introduction to our penal system and three square meals a day …well, uh, two meals now that they are private facilities. They’re calling it a BYO3, bring your own third meal.”
When our field reporter, Cokie McGrath, pointed out the groups of veterans still loitering in front of the center, Lang said, “Those people have appointments, where we can tell them ‘no’ in a more formal setting. It’s only 120° in the shade here in Phoenix, so these lucky vets get some free water we shipped all the way over from Flint Michigan. But most folks can get back to panhandling in a timely fashion, which is really what it’s all about.” When asked what services are still offered at the Phoenix Regional Veterans No-Benefits Office, Lang said, “We have cardboard sign creation seminars and a creative panhandling-sign class. Completion of both of these vocational gems guarantees an increase daily hand-outs. You want some water? It’s finally settling.”
President Trump told the press today, “This is another campaign promise fulfilled, or the ‘first’ campaign promise if you’re into the whole math-thing, which I’m not. Math is bad. I do know one math number, though, I heard it on Fox News. Numbers of homeless veterans are plummeting as we relocate them all to our jails and prisons. See, you can cut the shit out of HUD and Section-8 housing and still have a positive impact on the super rich. It makes me want to give Ben Carson a big hug, and/or a kickback. Under my plan, which is the best plan, veterans also get free transportation to our prisons! And we moved our veteran centers closer to our jails to further reduce transportation costs to the American tax payer. I thought of that one myself, while pooping.”
