Trump "Presidency" a Ruse to Penetrate Russian Intelligence, CIA Reveals

Now understood to be the vast majority of Americans, opponents of "President" Donald Trump can take a sigh of relief after the CIA announced this morning that his candidacy and the administration that followed was in fact an elaborate ruse designed to compromise Russian intelligence networks.

Dubbed 'Operation Orange Eagle', the plot, which reportedly yielded unprecedented access into previously impervious layers of Russia's Foreign Intelligence Service and even the Kremlin itself, was described as a "superlative triumph" by CIA Director Mike Pompeo, who praised Trump for the two decades-long sacrifice he made to help ensure its success – often at the expense of his own reputation.

"First and foremost, I'd like to thank Mr. Trump himself, a true patriot who never wavered from his commitment to a role that made him so unpopular, and often look so foolish, in the eyes of so many," Pompeo remarked. "The absurd pomposity, crassness and intellectual ineptitude this man was willing to present as his true persona for what was ultimately the benefit of his country has been a thing of inspiration."

Pompeo went on to reveal that Hillary Clinton has been secretly running the country ever since winning the 2016 election in a landslide, and that a new single-payer healthcare plan is currently making its way through a Democratically controlled Congress.

"It's kind of weird how everyone fell for this, actually," Pompeo said. "I mean, seriously."

Meanwhile, Donald Trump, appearing humble at a press conference this morning, addressed the still breaking story with eloquence.

"I regret the artifice this subterfuge required me to affect, however essential it was to the prosecution of its nobel aims," he said. "I would also like to convey my apologies to Ted Cruz and President Clinton, whose honesty and integrity are each above reproach, and to Elizabeth Warren, whose Native American heritage I feel should be embraced as an object of great pride."