NewsMutiny's Guide to the Republican Healthcare Bill

Republicans in the House of Representatives this week passed a new healthcare bill to replace Obamacare. What would this landmark new piece of legislation provide for the American people?

• Trump voters get to die winners.

• Free mass burials.

• Projected to generate hundreds of mass grave digging jobs.

• Heroin addicts who carry their babies to term to receive lifetime 5% discount from Bibs and Binkies.

• Free breast implants for all the ladies at Fox News.

• Can always opt out. For instance with a handful of pills or leaping from a tall building.

• Make-a-Wish explicitly forbidden from granting any dying child's wish to murder Paul Ryan.

• Cutting taxes on wealthy allows them to create more jobs for people to not quite get by paying for their own healthcare - in Bangladesh.

• In view of cyclical nature of universe, all medical conditions heretofore to be considered pre-existing.

• $2 Billion set aside for construction of personal hospitals for each Koch brother.

• Young people projected to save slightly on premiums, much more on nursing care for older relatives.

• High risk pool to be filled with crocodiles.

•In combination with $700 billion defense budget - much more likely you'll die of natural causes.

•Addresses root cause problem of overpopulation.

•Honestly, what do you have to live for anyway?

•Answers question of what practical thing your tax dollars entitle you to: shut the fuck up.