Fun Gun Safety Tips From The NRA

• When attending public movie theaters, always wear a bloodstained shirt that is full of holes and refrain from sitting in any of the seats – watching the film instead from a sprawled, motionless position in the aisle.

• Should one of your children someday accidentally kill themselves with one of your guns, limit your liability beforehand by having them sign "joke" suicide notes that read, "Nice try with the child-resistant safeties and keeping the guns and ammunition stored in a separate locked location out of my sight and reach!"

• It is also possible to equip your guns with child-resistant safeties while storing ammunition in separate, locked locations out of the sight and reach of your children.

• Intentionally leaving a firearm out in the open in a bid to rid yourself of an unwanted child will almost always backfire as the bad kid will usually just use the gun to shoot one of your good kids.

• Teach kids never to shout, "Yee-haw!" while spinning their pistols around on their fingers, as this is serious business.  

• In order to maintain an effective level of security against intruders to your home, always keep an additional, loaded firearm not encumbered by child safety locks in an easily accessible location, such as a pantry or cookie jar.

• Always wear eye and ear protection while shooting, and a helmet if your spree is to be conducted on a bicycle or skateboard.

• Guns are not toys. Never stick a gun up anybody's ass unless you intend to fire it.

• When dueling with pistols, always turn and fire on the count of nine to significantly reduce your chances of getting shot.

• If the medication you're currently on to help you eat less ice cream should start giving you suicidal thoughts or violent mood swings, tell nobody, the bastards.

• Always keep the muzzle of your gun pointed in a safe direction – i.e., away from your dick.