Scientists Say Earth Should Only have 10 Mil People, Quickly Call Dibs on First Spots

The Earth at any given moment (not a soccer game)

A report released by the UN has confirmed what environmental and ecological scientists have feared for many years: the tiniest fraction of the Earth’s land surface is overcrowded.

Accompanying this alarming report, as well as the innumerable articles picking it up, were equally alarming pictures (like the one above) showing just what the human population looks like at any moment. Anywhere.

According to the SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry (and many, many more like them), the number one problem plaguing our world at this moment is too many humans.  Their answer: less humans.

Dr. Charles A. Tan, an ecologist at the college, suggested that 10 million people on the Earth would be the perfect number to solve all of the world’s major problems. He then quickly nominated himself as one of the 10 million people to live on the Earth because he was the one who came up with the number and, well, because someone has to do it.

Following Dr. Tan’s self-nomination, it was estimated that, at that moment, he made the most important “dibs” ever in the history of dibs.

Next to ‘overpopulation’, his colleagues determined that the two most pressing issues the world faces is climate change and the need to replace fossil fuels with renewable energy; all of which eclipsed lesser things like ignorance, greed, indifference, corruption, war, etc.

“Educating people would just take too long and be too much work,” Dr. Tan said.  “People suck anyway–it’s better if we just eliminate most of the population instead of trying to get them to spread out and use our resources wisely.”

Not long after these reports were made available, a survey was conducted to assess the public’s thoughts on their impending doom.

“I feel pretty good, actually,” said one of the soon-to-be-dead humans.  “Even though I’ll probably be one of the ones to go, it’s reassuring to me that our brightest minds are coming up with realistic and viable solutions for the future.”

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