Tweet Tower—By all accounts President Trump’s joint press conference with the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, really sucked. Many in the press equate the event to watching a librarian look on helplessly as a pack of baboons ransack the silent reading area. For starters Trump refused to shake the Chancellor’s hand. He then explained, “There’s a secret ‘real’ world leader handshake, uh, you’re not a man, right?” Then Mrs. Merkel stood by silently as President Trump attempted to explain the particulars of the Obama Administration’s wiretapping escapades. “This is what that Kenyan bastard did to both of us!” said Trump, waving around a tin cup on a string. “Our surveillance equipment is more sophisticated than this, but even with these cans you can hear every word I am saying to you, right now. Who knows, they might even already have cans capable of translating Germanese directly into tweets. Wouldn’t that make leading the free world a hell of a lot easier? #universaltweetlater.”

When Merkel was finally given the opportunity to speak, she said, “There’s no German equivalent for the word dumbfounded, but we do have a word for dumb, dumbkopf. I would love to stay here and chat, but I believe I am double parked. Oh, and since you made my staff and I pay for our meal at the White House, we are a party of seven, so is gratuity already included or not?”

Merkel later told Der Spiegel, “When Trump started talking about wiretapping, ironically I couldn’t even listen. Who would want to hear what that ignoramus has to say, publicly, privately or otherwise? What could possibly be the motive? In fact, if he has a therapist he or she should probably be placed on suicide watch just as a precaution.”