A Surrey man who, this week, failed to get a court order that he has to provide the police and other authorities with at least forty eight hours notice before he has sexual intercourse lifted, has vowed to take his fight to the Supreme Court. “It’s bloody outrageous, this ‘No Sex Please’ order, a clear violation of my human rights,” twenty nine year old Sammy Chubber told reporters outside Guildford Crown Court, following his failed appeal. “Don’t these bastards realise just how humiliating it is, having to report to my local police station every time I get the horn and want to blow my load? Believe me, standing at the front desk announcing that intend to get my end away the day after tomorrow, with all the front office staff sniggering away, is a sure way to kill any passion. It’s worse than when I was a kid trying to buy jazz mags at the newsagents, with Mrs Patel giving me disapproving looks from behind the till!” Part of his argument in court that morning had focused on the impracticality of the order. “I don’t know about any of you, but I don’t schedule my sexual activities,” he explained to journalists. “Like most human beings, I’m driven by my sexual urges, the availability of suitable and willing partners and the existence of favourable circumstances. How do I know today if I’m going to do the horizontal jig in two days time?” Moreover, he contended, the imposition of the order implied that he was some kind of sex offender who couldn’t be trusted to safely have sex with women unsupervised. “It’s ridiculous,” he complained. “I keep getting spat on in the street – women even cross the road to avoid me – and having stuff like ‘nonce’ and ‘perv’ painted on my front door! I’ve never been accused of any kind of sexual molestation, let alone convicted!”
The police have confirmed that Mr Chubber has been neither convicted nor is suspected of having committed any form of sexual offences, adding that the order – which was obtained late last year in a secret court hearing – was ‘a matter of national security’. “It isn’t so much that we want to prevent Mr Chubber from indulging his natural sexual urges, rather that we need adequate warning so as to put in place adequate civil defence measures,” Chief Inspector Horace Rocks, the officer in charge of the task force dealing with Chubber explained at a press conference. “It is documented fact that his sexual liaisons, particularly as they reach their climax, have proven hugely disruptive to anyone in close proximity.” Indeed, the police claimed during the appeal hearing that Chubber’s orgasms are so powerful that they appear to warp reality. “We really don’t understand how this phenomena operates, but it seems that anyone within a half mile radius of Mr Chubber when he reaches a climax finds themselves engulfed by a powerful sexual fantasy, which they are forced to enact,” Inspector Rocks told the court. “We were first alerted to the situation last summer, when officers were called to investigate reports of a ‘wild orgy’ in a local park – when they arrived, they found every occupant of the park stark naked and engaging in wild Bacchanalian sexual frenzies! Several of the officers received counselling as a result of the depravities they witnessed that day!”
Investigations could reveal no cause for the disturbance. “None of the participants appeared to have any clear memory as to why they behaved as they did,” Rock claimed from the witness box. “All they could recall was suddenly finding themselves in some kind of sixties-style hippie love in. They didn’t remember how or when it started, but they all snapped out of it simultaneously at the moment they climaxed!” Theories investigated and dismissed by the police included the release of hallucinogenic drugs in the water supply or atmosphere and mass hypnosis. “A few months later, there was a second similar incident near the town centre, its epicentre apparently a public lavatory,” the policeman revealed. “People were tearing heir clothes off and copulating with complete strangers in shop doorways, on benches, in bushes – and in the midst of it, we found Mr Chubber in a cubicle of the ladies’ toilets, having just finished having sex with a young woman. Of course, at this point we didn’t make a connection.” A third incident occurred just before Guy Fawkes Night, when the occupants of several residential streets abruptly found themselves spontaneously engaging in sado-masochistic bondage activities. “They were improvising wildly: women stripped naked and tied to lampposts with clothes lines and abused with toilet brushes – that sort of thing,” the Inspector explained. “This time, the centre of the disturbance appeared to be a modest terraced house – in the front bedroom we found Mr Chubber again, this time with a naked woman tied spreadeagled on the bed, with whom he had just been having consensual sex.”
A quick cross check with those present at the original incident revealed that Chubber had been there too, enjoying al fresco sex in some bushes with yet another young woman. “Obviously, we arrested him as a precautionary measure and had him subjected to a series of scientific tests – it soon became obvious that he was somehow – completely unknowingly it appears – drawing people into his own sexual fantasies as he engaged in intercourse,” asserted Rock in his testimony. “We sought the original order on public order grounds – we reasoned that if we had advance notice of his intent to shag, we could ensure that we could clear the area of his intended liaison, or make sure that he did the deed in an underground bunker, where his orgasms couldn’t affect anyone else!” A secondary consideration for the authorities were the national security implications if Chubber were to have sex near a military base, for instance. “Can you imagine it? If that sort of thing went off near a predominantly male environment like an Army camp?” asked the Inspector. “I shudder to think of the long-term psychological effects of enforced mass homosexuality upon our brave boys?” There were also concerns of what might happen if Chubber were to have intercourse in close proximity to Parliament. “The sort of stuff those political buggers get up to is bad enough as it is,” Rock mused. “I don’t want to imagine what they might do under the influence of one of Chubber’s bonk-fests.”
Chubber is still looking for ways around the order. “It doesn’t make clear whether I have to give notice for having a wank,” he claims. “Nor is it clear whether the intercourse I have to give warning of is of the regular kind. Does anal, for example, count?” He remains angry at the imposition of the court order, believing that he is being used as a scapegoat. “It’s all a load of bollocks – my orgasms are my private business and they don’t affect anyone else,” he told reporters. “Just because I was the only individual present at all three of these outbreaks of sexual frenzy doesn’t mean I had anything to do with them – why don’t they just blame internet porn like they always do, eh?” According to the police, however, it was impossible to blame online smut in this case. “It was the demographics of the people involved,” Rock explained. “The majority were middle aged, middle class Daily Mail reading, Conservative voting types – everyone knows that they never look at that sort of thing. Internet porn is the preserve of the young, the low paid and benefits claimants, for God’s sake.”
