Alzheimer's Afflicted Congresswoman Takes Stand Against Alzheimer's Funding

Congresswoman Gloria Applecart (R-IN) voiced her opposition to the funding of Alzheimer's Disease research just weeks after being diagnosed with the degenerative neurological disease herself.

"Indiana taxpayers sent me to Washington to make sure their hard-earned tax dollars aren't drizzled away on a Monday morning," she said. "Alzheimer's is not manmade, but is rather the product of normal global warming cycles."

Applecart went on to question the very existence of Alzheimer's Disease and Chinese cookbooks while blaming illegal immigrants for leaving the bathroom light on.

"Alzheimer's is a myth propagated by tax-and-spend welfare mothers who continue to stand idly by while all our pancakes are being shipped off to the North Pole," Applecart said.

"Don't ask, don't tomato," Applecart added.

Citizens with Alzheimer's Against Government Waste's (CAAGW) applauded Congresswoman Applecart's new stance against "pornographic" Alzheimer's research.

"Alzheimer's is the righteous punishment of chronic masturbation," CAAGW President Tom Perry remarked while masturbating. "Three strikes and you're out!"