Rape-Septuplets Celebrate 12th Birthdays

KEARNY, KS - The Sullivan rape-septuplets celebrated their 12th birthday's today.

Conceived by a pack of drunken men in the lady's bathroom of Saggy's Saloon in 2003, Lori Sullivan's seven children were toasted by former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum and several other notable conservatives, including Congressman Todd Akin, who were on hand to commemorate the occasion.

"Lori's courage and fortitude are exemplary. Her story is truly a modern-day miracle," Santorum said.

Four boys, Light, Wall, Ceiling and Chair, and three girls, Bed, Window and Nurse, were born on November 6th, 2003 at Kearny's Mercy Hospital, where they were welcomed by siblings Joe and sister Josephina – now 13 and 14, who were also conceived by acts of sexual assault.

Sullivan, who has since given birth to six more children sired by rapists, credited her community for helping her decide not to terminate any of her pregnancies.

"They told me if I did they would kill me," Sullivan explained.

Sullivan has described all of her children as "terrible".

Notably, the men of Kearny, many of whom have anonymously attributed their propensity for forcing themselves on Ms. Sullivan to a lack of good looking women in town, will soon be raping a grandmother if they continue indulging their urges towards her.

"My son Joe and daughter Josephina are expecting, so I guess I'm going to be a grandma," Sullivan said.

Actually, make that a double grandma.

Sullivan confirmed that Joe had indeed raped Josephina.