Headlines - 03/13/2010
The World's Voice of Reason
It's Gemini, But Not As You Know It
Ducking and diving, right hooking, looking exhausted as if you have just worked out for the last three hours solid, a crusty smell under your armpits which is crying out for anti perspirant, are all set to come under the influence of an energetic Venus this month.
Headlines - 03/12/2010
Postcards from the Pug Bus
E-Trade Sues Lindsay Lohan for Damages
E-Trade has filed a countersuit against Lindsay Lohan, seeking $100 million in damages for what it calls "malicious and damaging association."
Headlines - 03/11/2010
The World's Voice of Reason
'Church Of Scientology' To Change Name To 'Church Of Scientology'
The Church of Scientology is to change it's name back to Church of Scientology, according to media sources.
The name change is to become effective from 13th March 2010, or what would have been the 99th birthday of L Ron Hubbard, the founder of the movement.
The name was last changed in 1987.
Dailyfortnight
Millions Left Housebound with Oscar Fever
A terrifying report released by U.S. television network ABC has revealed that millions of otherwise healthy people were left housebound on Sunday following a short outbreak of Oscar fever.
Glossy News
Fox News Searches For the New ‘Rwanda Effect’ Effect
Fox News, in its never ending search for more fuel to stoke its listener’s fires, has hired a crack team of psychologists, sociologists, media gurus and general psychopaths to help them find and exploit the ‘Rwanda Effect’.
News Grift
Angela Merkel Yet to Receive Backrub from Obama
One of German Chancellor Merkel’s closest advisers, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed the lack of contact between President Obama’s hands and Merkel’s shoulders.
Headlines - 03/10/2010
Dailyfortnight
John Terry to be Stripped of Marriage
Embattled Chelsea captain John Terry is expected to be stripped of his marriage after events in his private life continue to be made public.
The History Bluff
Ancient Coins Determined to be Nothing More Than Convenietly Shaped Rocks
Numismatists at The History Bluff have determined that ancient coins were not crafted but instead randomly found while tilling fields and walking the dusty roads of ancient Europe and Asia. These rocks or metals could be used as currency if the consumer could convince the merchant that it resembled an object or entity.
Glossy News
US Revokes Citizenship of Corrupt CEOs… not really
The United States Government has started a unique new policy of retracting the citizenship of Corporate CEO’s and executives who believe they are above the law of the country. This has made an entire upper echelon of American business essentially ‘men without a country’.
Headlines - 03/09/2010
The World's Voice of Reason
Some Of The Minor Oscars You May Have Missed Sunday
Hello, you join me here standing on the red carpet writing this live whilst the 82nd Oscars ceremony is going on inside.
Here are some of the nominations (winners in bold) of the lesser known Oscars you might have missed in the media coverage...
News Grift
eHarmony Computer Just Messing with People
Local widower and San Clemente resident Frederick Crummles thinks the eHarmony matchmaking computer is just messing with him.
“It’s clearly messing with me,” Crummles snorted.
News Mutiny
Job Center Training Ex-Blackwater Agents in non-Rape, Murder Skills
Offering 3 and 6-month job training and re-integration programs, New Horizons boasts a roll-call of 32 ex-Blackwater contractors, and recently celebrated the graduation of its first student, Greg Lewis, who is currently facing sexual assault charges in Raleigh, North Carolina.
Glossy News
Virgin Mary Image Appears in Mex Meth Lab
Unconfirmed reports out of Mexico are claiming that a stain on a bench in a meth lab located in the small town of Arre Pentido bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary. Villagers from all around have flocked to the meth lab to view the image for themselves and to pray for miracles. Lines have formed with people bearing candles, flowers and statues of the Virgin Mary to place at the site of the image.
Postcards from the Pug Bus
Vatican Chorister Fingered in Gay Sex Scandal
The Vatican remained tight-lipped today following reports that a chorister was fired for allegedly procuring male prostitutes for a papal gentleman-in-waiting.
Headlines - 03/08/2010
Glossy News
NuvaRing Rolls Out New Marketing Campaign; Bare is Better
NuvaRing, the world’s largest round contraceptive device, has seen its image go pear shaped owing to a dungstorm of lawsuits filed on behalf of persons who have died or have been otherwise discommoded while using the safe-ish sex device. Consequently Merck pharmaceutical is launching Let Freedom Ring, an ad campaign designed to “square the circle with NuvaRing,” said Jeanne Larouche, a Merck official.
The World's Voice of Reason
[The Thun] For Lord Ashcroft Non Dom Story, See Page 12
Page 12
Lord Ashcroft revealed he was a non-dom today. No Hum.
In other news: John Terry thanks crowd for their support in England's 3-1 win over Egypt..
Cheryl and Ashley are meeting for the first time since their split was announced
GMTV's Penny quits to do other stuff.
Humorality.com
God Sues Researchers for DNA Piracy
God filed suit in federal court today against several dozen scientist engaged in illegal copying and distribution of previously licensed DNA.
Satire and Comment
Will You Please Find My Ovary?
"Will you please find my ovary?" I ask plaintively. Or plaintiff-ly, depending on whether I decide this is worthy of a medical malpractice suit.
Headlines - 03/07/2010
Glossy News
Sarah Palin Proudly Earns GED — And Real, Not Honorary
Sarah Palin may not be smarter than an inner-city or deep-south fifth grader, but on Friday, she’ll earned something few 5th graders have — a high school diploma; well, a high school equivalency certificate, at any rate.
Postcards from the Pug Bus
Ben Roethlisberger Fondles the Snapper
A twenty-year-old college student has accused Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting her at a nightclub early Friday morning.
The World's Voice of Reason
Taurus: No Bull (This Month)
Your Olympian-ness is rarely doubted. You carry your accessories like you are perpetually off to some sort of sporting meet. That is just Taurus that is.
