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Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

'If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??' he asked.

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Real Life Comes to Sudden, Poorly Resolved End

'So Aubrey's walking along one day and, whamo! She just gets flattened by a bus? That's pretty lame,' remarked Burkhart's friend Laura Sanders, 'I mean, what about her rekindled romance with Matt? Or her dream of becoming an interior decorator?'

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Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes

Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the 'close doors' button just to prevent it from getting on.

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Ann Coulter, Trying to Top Self, Agrees to Pose for Playboy

Interviewed in her Manhattan apartment Coulter admitted that lately it had become harder and harder to gratuitously shock people. 'The trouble is, the GOP right wing has already occupied the best ridiculous positions, like letting people without health insurance die in the streets, so that by the time I get round to them they’re already old asshat.'

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Nose Picking In Your Car Now A Class 3 Felony In Five States

Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. 'I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into…

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Headlines - 03/06/2015

The Red Shtick

Physicians at Baton Rouge General Medical Center pulled a 6-foot-tall wooden pink flamingo out of Metro Councilwoman Tara Wicker's rear end over the weekend.

News Mutiny

One day after it was announced that a single Ferguson Police Department employee had been fired in the wake of a Department of Justice report that condemned the force for committing a range of abuses against African Americans, it was revealed the fired officer is black

The Adobo Chronicles

The campaigns supports the Affordable Care Act and rallies against drunk driving.

Broken World News

One might question if it could even be done without inflating the numbers.” #Putin #Russia

The Dandy Goat

Wildlife officials in Colorado are blaming the abundance of marijuana, which has been legal in the state since early 2014, for the drop in the state’s rabbit populations.

mouthfrog

“That dog is a son of a bitch,” comments neighbor Janice Keene. “He is mean and nasty."

CAP News

That's is on top of the nearly half a million resolutions that were broken during the last month, making this year a record-setting one for resolution breaking.

The World's Voice of Reason

"Is that a diet dog for the obese?"

Humor Times

In keeping with their priorities, a new GOP Senate protocol would require all Senators to say "God bless you" at appropriate times. P Beckert, Humor Times.

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