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Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

'If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??' he asked.

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Real Life Comes to Sudden, Poorly Resolved End

'So Aubrey's walking along one day and, whamo! She just gets flattened by a bus? That's pretty lame,' remarked Burkhart's friend Laura Sanders, 'I mean, what about her rekindled romance with Matt? Or her dream of becoming an interior decorator?'

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Nose Picking In Your Car Now A Class 3 Felony In Five States

Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. 'I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into…

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Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes

Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the 'close doors' button just to prevent it from getting on.

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Ann Coulter, Trying to Top Self, Agrees to Pose for Playboy

Interviewed in her Manhattan apartment Coulter admitted that lately it had become harder and harder to gratuitously shock people. 'The trouble is, the GOP right wing has already occupied the best ridiculous positions, like letting people without health insurance die in the streets, so that by the time I get round to them they’re already old asshat.'

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Headlines - 04/25/2015

The Red Shtick

Knick and James are very happy about all the trailers that dropped over the weekend. Well, mostly.

The World's Voice of Reason

"Why do all American chat shows have white hosts but black bands?"

mouthfrog

"If the murderer is successful in their suicide attempt, every effort will be made to bring them back to life so they can be re-killed."

Broken World News

“The Kardashian will compete with native species for food, clothes and media attention," #KeepingUpWithTheKardashians

The Adobo Chronicles

If you live in California and are a certified Starbucks fan, you may have noticed that your tall, grande or venti coffee and latte have been tasting different lately. You are not imagining things.

Blame it on Governor Jerry Brown who has instituted a mandatory 25% reduction in the state’s water consumption as a way to deal with the worsening California drought.

World's Wisest Owl

Is the "Clinton Foundation" a bank vault in Bill & Hillary's basement? A plumber's shocking discovery. #ClintonFoundation

The Dandy Goat

Editors at People magazine announced on Wednesday they had finished scouring the planet in search of this year’s “World’s Most Beautiful Woman,” and that U.S. actress Sandra Bullock has been selected as the winner of the title.

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