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Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

'If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??' he asked.

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Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes

Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the 'close doors' button just to prevent it from getting on.

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Nose Picking In Your Car Now A Class 3 Felony In Five States

Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. 'I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into…

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Real Life Comes to Sudden, Poorly Resolved End

'So Aubrey's walking along one day and, whamo! She just gets flattened by a bus? That's pretty lame,' remarked Burkhart's friend Laura Sanders, 'I mean, what about her rekindled romance with Matt? Or her dream of becoming an interior decorator?'

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Ann Coulter, Trying to Top Self, Agrees to Pose for Playboy

Interviewed in her Manhattan apartment Coulter admitted that lately it had become harder and harder to gratuitously shock people. 'The trouble is, the GOP right wing has already occupied the best ridiculous positions, like letting people without health insurance die in the streets, so that by the time I get round to them they’re already old asshat.'

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Headlines - 11/21/2014

The Red Shtick

Snifflecasters Knick, Sunny, and Jeremy take on the weird (and possibly incestuous) siblings Willow and Jaden Smith, as well as Charles Manson's pending nuptials.

The Dandy Goat

Guess which handsome socialite publisher of which highly regarded newspaper received an invitation to the wedding of the year? That’s right. Our very own Frankin J. Dubbles of the Dandy Goat is honored to be invited to the marriage of beloved hippie icon Charles Manson.

Humor Times

Following Kim Kardashian's internet showing of her remarkable derriere, politicians are hopping onto the ass-baring bandwagon. By Michael Egan, Humor Times.

The World's Voice of Reason

Ickle dogs have long been overlooked as guard dogs. Hopefully this video will change all that."

CAP News

If there aren't enough unemployed Americans, supporters say they can fill in the gaps with the 5 million illegals the president plans to let stay in the country.

The Adobo Chronicles

It was all about suggesting teeth as a weapon.

Broken World News

WWJD? Who knows? #WWJD #WhatWouldJesusDo

mouthfrog

"We haven’t seen this kind of following since Mission Impenetrable III was released over 5 years ago."

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