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NFL Star's Deal Inspires New York Jock Exchange

According to the Associated Press, Fantex plans to conduct an initial public offering of stock (Wall Street wheeler-dealers call this an IPO) after getting regulatory approval from the Securities and Exchange Commission, selling some 421,100 shares of stock at $10 apiece.

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Why Men Take So Long To Tie Our Own Shoes

Though I'm pretty confident with my skill to tie my shoes, at a brisk pace, I understand there are other places in the home where I might look around helplessly, stunned, as if someone asked me to quickly calculate the area under the curve of the Liberty Bell, whereas I've only been asked to locate the large, white, gallon milk jug in the refrigerator.

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Scientists Hard At Work Creating Monologues for New Lab-Grown Vaginas

With the advent of the first-ever vagina created in a lab, scientists are working around the clock to write appropriate monologues for the high-tech body part. One scientist on the project admitted, 'I didn't go into science to engage in creative writing, but my colleagues and I feel it is incumbent upon us to provide women who receive our synthetic vagina the same quality of monologues that other women enjoy.'

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Report Confirms Fingers All You Need to Type on Keyboard

The report shows that the body has somehow learned to carry out moderately high-level tasks apart from any brain function whatsoever. In order to prove this, the team of researchers put a Yahoo! Breaking News editor into a light coma and then placed a keyboard in front of him.

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Procrastination Not Covered Under Affordable Care Act

According to most psychologists, the underlying causes of procrastination are largely mental, and as such, are not covered under most major medical insurance or even standard health insurance policies. Unless, of course, you can prove that the procrastination caused a stress-related illness, such as a severe case of hives or even a nervous tic.

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Headlines - 04/21/2014

DERF Magazine

The syringe exchange lane will address the problem in the Cincinnati area of a lack of places for intravenous drug users to obtain clean syringes.

Humor Times

He says his unique personality suits him just fine.

NewsBiscuit

Whitehall has agreed to allow G4S to bid for lucrative contracts again, on the condition that they 'don’t make it too obvious' when they’re defrauding the public purse of hundreds of millions of pounds.

The Red Shtick

Al Qaida’s lawyers filed a lawsuit against the federal government citing illegal detainment, seizure of property, and pseudo-sexual assault resulting in psychological and physical harm.

Glossy News

Parents of teenagers that were severely Jewed alive in the school tour bus crash in Los Angeles are now relieved from the good news that was delivered to them this week.

The Newsosphere

33) If there’s a car chase, there’s an endangered fruit stand.

The World's Voice of Reason

A 45 year old hotelier from Torquay offered to urinate on David Cameron's arm yesterday afternoon in an attempt to help him sooth his skin from a jelly fish attack, it has been revealed.

The Adobo Chronicles

On April 11, the news satire site The News Nerd published a faux story about Patti LaBelle punching Aretha Franklin at “an R&B/Soul concert” on March 20. Franklin wasn’t happy with the sacrilegious Internet humor and posted a denial of the scuffle on her Facebook page.

Apparently, that wasn’t enough, as the Detroit News announced yesterday that Franklin is filing a $10 million lawsuit against The News Nerd.

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