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Procrastination Not Covered Under Affordable Care Act

According to most psychologists, the underlying causes of procrastination are largely mental, and as such, are not covered under most major medical insurance or even standard health insurance policies. Unless, of course, you can prove that the procrastination caused a stress-related illness, such as a severe case of hives or even a nervous tic.

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Scientists Hard At Work Creating Monologues for New Lab-Grown Vaginas

With the advent of the first-ever vagina created in a lab, scientists are working around the clock to write appropriate monologues for the high-tech body part. One scientist on the project admitted, 'I didn't go into science to engage in creative writing, but my colleagues and I feel it is incumbent upon us to provide women who receive our synthetic vagina the same quality of monologues that other women enjoy.'

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NFL Star's Deal Inspires New York Jock Exchange

According to the Associated Press, Fantex plans to conduct an initial public offering of stock (Wall Street wheeler-dealers call this an IPO) after getting regulatory approval from the Securities and Exchange Commission, selling some 421,100 shares of stock at $10 apiece.

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Why Men Take So Long To Tie Our Own Shoes

Though I'm pretty confident with my skill to tie my shoes, at a brisk pace, I understand there are other places in the home where I might look around helplessly, stunned, as if someone asked me to quickly calculate the area under the curve of the Liberty Bell, whereas I've only been asked to locate the large, white, gallon milk jug in the refrigerator.

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Report Confirms Fingers All You Need to Type on Keyboard

The report shows that the body has somehow learned to carry out moderately high-level tasks apart from any brain function whatsoever. In order to prove this, the team of researchers put a Yahoo! Breaking News editor into a light coma and then placed a keyboard in front of him.

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Headlines - 04/23/2014

Humor Times

A new, fresh KISS may be “wet and sloppy,” but “at least it’s sincere,” says Gene Simmons.

The Adobo Chronicles

Noting that Metro Manila’s traffic, infrastructure and housing problems can no longer be solved by the Philippines’ National Capital Region, Japan has offered to buy Metro Manila for $57 Billion.

The Japanese government, acting on a report by the Japan International Cooperation Agency (JICA), made the offer to Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada and Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay. By purchasing Metro Manila, Japan hopes to implement JICA’s “Dream Plan” to solve once and for all Metro Manila’s decades-old woes.

Iron E-News

The Canadian pop star is haunted by thoughts very similar to those of regular, everyday people. #bieber

Wear Your Cape

Just like the famous Smith Bros. cough drops, but with an extra dose of hostility.

The World's Voice of Reason

"OK, so maybe opposable thumbs were an unnecessary evolutionary step. My bad."

World's Wisest Owl

There are 8.7 million animal species on the planet, and humans want no part of them...WorldsWisestOwl.com

The Red Shtick

The insidiously addicting and annoyingly popular online game “Candy Crush Saga” is essentially porn without all the societal stigma.

The Sleaze

Tabloid's Serial Killer Themed Competition Condemned by Police! Readers Offered Chance to Win Myra Hindley's Grave-Robbed Body Parts for Naming Celebrity Most Likely to Be Murdered by a Serial Killer!

The Newsosphere

The battle of the Republican Party against President Barack Obama continues, with the latest reports showing that the party now has their sights on who they call a frequent collaborator with the President, the planet Earth.

The Dandy Goat

For the 44th consecutive year, the planet referred to by its human inhabitants as “Earth” is not showing interest in Earth Day, the calendar day set aside for its celebration.

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