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Real Life Comes to Sudden, Poorly Resolved End

'So Aubrey's walking along one day and, whamo! She just gets flattened by a bus? That's pretty lame,' remarked Burkhart's friend Laura Sanders, 'I mean, what about her rekindled romance with Matt? Or her dream of becoming an interior decorator?'

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Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes

Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the 'close doors' button just to prevent it from getting on.

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Nose Picking In Your Car Now A Class 3 Felony In Five States

Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. 'I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into…

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Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

'If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??' he asked.

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Ann Coulter, Trying to Top Self, Agrees to Pose for Playboy

Interviewed in her Manhattan apartment Coulter admitted that lately it had become harder and harder to gratuitously shock people. 'The trouble is, the GOP right wing has already occupied the best ridiculous positions, like letting people without health insurance die in the streets, so that by the time I get round to them they’re already old asshat.'

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Headlines - 08/21/2014

News Mutiny

Black porn star Midnight Stevens refused to stand at the end of a line of fifty men to gang bang white erotic film star Misty Canyons this weekend.

The Dandy Goat

Expressing remorse about the death of Robin Williams, Pfizer officials have announced they will honor the legendary actor by using his face on an advertisement for the antidepressant Zoloft.

The Adobo Chronicles

Thanks to thr #ALSIceBucketChallenge, the box stores have emptied their store shelves of platic buckets.

The World's Voice of Reason

British reality stars criticised the Ice Bucket Challenge this morning, claiming they couldn't do it in England because it is too cold.

The Red Shtick

Two seemingly unrelated local men made seemingly unrelated headlines for seemingly unrelated acts of dubious behavior. Things aren't always as they seem.

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