The collapse, which began with a pedestrian 5% decline of the Dow at the opening bell, soon saw the index crash through every level of support on its way to a sub-zero close for the day, the first time it has been at or below that level since its founding in 1885.































































 
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The average American pick-up truck has gained 1,142 pounds since 1990. The average American, about the same. The average Phish tune, in concert, added nearly two minutes around its middle, and personal pizzas got 25 percent larger. Go big or go home: The 11th Commandment writ large.

Did the Queen jump out of her coffin at lying in state as practical joke before expiring again? Did those viewing coffin experience healing miracles? Top psychologist claims UK spent period of Royal mourning in state of hysteria, hallucinating late monarch as saint-like figure, as a 'Royal Death Cult' gripped nation.

Two weeks after protesting the downing of a high-altitude surveillance balloon from US airspace, Beijing is fuming once more over the 'wrongful termination' of a Chinese spy from the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency.

Corroborating the recently expressed beliefs of many within his own party that he can't win a general election, several new polls have Donald Trump losing against an array of candidates, creatures and inanimate objects.

Paranormal Investigator, Exorcist and Agony Aunt The Reverend Leonard Fanny advises readers on their supernatural problems. This time, a mother worries her teenaged son is involved in a Satanic sex cult when she discovers a huge stone penis-shaped altar in his room, to which he and his friends masturbate. Can the Rev help?

Firstly Mrs. Keenum, let me express my deepest condolences for the loss of your son. It's always difficult when someone so young and so vibrant, someone with their whole life still ahead of them, is called back to the Lord's heavenly flock so early.

Last night, I was thrilled to win the award for Best Actor at The Critics' Choice Awards. It was a humbling experience which, as I mentioned in my speech, I will forever be grateful for. Being truly blindsided by the award, and as a result not as prepared as I would otherwise have been, I did say a few other things during that same speech which, upon further reflection, I feel need to be qualified.

Facing calls for impeachment over his use of luxury jets, yachts and lavish resorts provided by real estate magnate Harlan Crow, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas denied today that such feting has had any influence over his tenure on the bench.

The overthrow of Roe v. Wade, according to many in the chatterverse, signaled a trampling of all that’s good and holy that will make Sherman’s March to the Sea look like a highway adoption program.

Fauxcahontas Warren (Cherokee-MA) predicts the two-for-one fall of gay marriage and interracial marriage. Bette Midler calls for women to take a knee during the National Anthem. (Bars are probably playing it during happy hour already.)

Having built seven new stadiums, an airport and dozens of hotels to host this year's World Cup, Qatar is reportedly also breaking ground on several mass graves to accommodate the thousands of fans they expect will violate their strict Muslim laws during their visit.
































































 
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With gingerbread housing costs continuing to soar, many gummy bear families are finding it difficult to keep a frosted roof over their heads this holiday season.

Invisible illegal immigrants - the new threat to Britain's borders? Anti-immigration campaigner claims thousands of illegal immigrants made invisible by 'heathen voodoo rites' are landing on Kent's beaches every day. Fears new army of invisible immigrants set to create criminal mayhem throughout England.

Do you know what a period is? How about a supply chain? Because I sure do!































































 
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A San Diego woman is crediting the meth heads who loiter around a convenience store in her neighborhood for helping to get herself back into shape since they began chasing her every time she passes by several weeks ago.
































































 
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Government denies Security Service's 'honey trap' scheme - 'Operation Spanker's Bonus' - succeeded in entrapping only Tory MPs rather than foreign agents and domestic security threats. According to spokes person top Tory MP didn't suffer heart attack while strapped into spanking machine and senior minister not caught off his face on drugs.

Do you care about trying to save our planet? Do you really? Because everyone who does knows that water conservation plays a crucial role in the fight against climate change, so if you're not, then you probably don't, and you can go to hell. If you really do, however; like really, really do, then you should know and already be doing the following:

Within hours of the announcement that a deal had been reached to raise the debt ceiling, Republican leaders issued a statement reassuring party members that no concessions had been made that would affect in any way the lives of the extremely wealthy or their heirs.

As local business sacks regular workforce, local community asks whether 'agency staff' replacements are actually zombies. Claims of all-night Voodoo drums from delivery bays of Dagenham supermarket as customers allege they recognise some of shambolic new staff as deceased loved ones. Are the living dead destined to be UK's new unpaid workforce?

One month after introducing a bill to define "gender solely as a person’s reproductive biology at birth" for the purposes of Title IX – effectively prohibiting trans women from participating in women's athletics - House Republicans have added an amendment that would also ban non-trans women from playing sports.