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May the odds be ever in your favor to win health care – but if you lose, you won’t need it anymore anyway! In the wake of a report from the Congressional Budget Office estimating that 24 million more people would end up uninsured under the Republicans’ proposed health care program, White House Press Secretary...
Naturalists have announced their plans to release a small troop of Survey Monkeys back into the wild. In news which has been welcomed by both animal rights groups and weary survey participants around the world, it was explained that the rare breed of monkeys were due to be released into a secret destination later this...
Zano’s recent reflections on our decade-plus debate showed some rare insights. What next, funny jokes? The causes of our nation’s polarization are many, but there’s more than meets the eye when it comes to our political divisions. I’ve recently come to the conclusion the ultra-powerful people in the world do prosper by keeping our nation divided. They do this by…
In a concerted effort to protect our own from further desecration and prejudice, we secretly replace all Gentile bodies with dead Jews. Standard procedure within the Conspiracy.
“National Opposites Day is a day that will live in infamy, and I’m the first president to say that,” said Trump. In a desperate attempt to move beyond the accusations made by the White House that former President Barack Obama had wiretap surveillance installed at Trump Tower, Donald Trump has retroactively declared March 4th...
The menacing looking year 10 lads who are always at the back of the bus when you get on for school are much, much harder than you, found a study today. Long thought to be the case from anecdotal playground gossip and your elder brother’s teasing at the dinner table, the research found that teenagers...
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable...
Tweet Tower—By all accounts President Trump’s joint press conference with the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, really sucked. Many in the press equate the event to watching a librarian look on helplessly as a pack of baboons ransack the silent reading area. For starters Trump refused to shake the Chancellor’s hand. He then explained, “There’s a secret ‘real’ world leader handshake, uh,…
So, you want the inside scoop on Snuffy, Big Bird’s best pal? Well, here’s the cold, hard truth: Mr. Snuffalupagus wasn’t imaginary at all, he was a crook.
Washington, DC—The Secret Service has foiled the fourth attempt to breach the White House grounds in so many weeks. This latest incident occurred Sunday afternoon and involved the well-known children’s icon, Grover, of Sesame Street fame. Grover was arrested near the south entrance of the White House donning a cape and a plastic knight’s helmet. White House spokesperson Sean Spicer told…
Tributes have poured in after the passing of Martin McChuckle, who was most famous as one of the comedy slapstick duo the Chuckle Brothers. Together with the Reverend Ian Chuckle, McChuckle brought tears to the eyes of widows and children across the province through their routines about punishment beatings.
BREAKING NEWS: Angela Merkel belted out her true feelings in the shower today. Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany, was recorded singing this variation of “Getting to Know You,” the Rodgers and Hammerstein song from the musical The King and I, in the shower...
Compared to investment banking, my colleagues tell me acting is almost completely recession-proof. People will buy tickets to shows even if they don't have the money to buy them!
Iowa—Jeb Turley of Podunk Falls has made a living off of his predictions, well, that and dumpster diving. Two years ago he predicted all pizza crust would come stuffed with cheese and early last year he announced Trump would become the 45th president of the United States. This year he has become obsessed with werewolves and believes they will replace mankind as…
For me, a guy with mainstream sexual compulsions, the love of my life showed up where I least expected it: inside a rusty dumpster loaded with 1,000 gallons of syrupy green goo.
"...kids whose parents appear on FNC think the judge could be part werewolf. “You should see him coming out of the pool at company picnics. With that low hairline, he looks like a stocky sheepdog.”
Donald's .357 tries to match Kim Jong Un's antiaircraft guns. Tillerson weighs in over the nuclear button. Brinksmanship? No, it's reckless stupidity.
Donald was embarrassed in Knoxville. He said security kept many fans waiting outside. Doubt that, Donny; they were protesters.

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