Check Please!
WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–The average American pick-up truck has gained 1,142 pounds since 1990. The average American, about the same. The average Phish tune, in concert, added nearly two minutes around its middle, and personal pizzas got 25 percent larger. Go big or go home: The 11th Commandment writ large.
Though both Georgia and Florida had already eased their own complete bans to permit shooters to operate at 50% of their usual kill totals, the Lone Star State is the first to re-instate the tacit consent of unfettered gunning down of civilians as they try to go about their daily lives.
Although we consider Professor Dipstick's proclamations about math to be as worthless as the $20 bill George Floyd was trying to pass, others are not so perceptive. Indeed, the professor's asshole tweet was retweeted by several asshole academics at universities and colleges around the nation.
Adding to the number of unflattering assessments coming from his own family, an entry recovered from the diary of Donald Trump's grandmother calls Trump 'a total dick'.
In that 1907 study, Duncan MacDougall, a physician from Haverhill, Massachusetts, tested the hypothesis that souls possess physical weight by measuring the weight loss of six patients at the moment of death (when the soul "leaves" the body for an undisclosed destination).
Though his services came unsolicited, and despite the whole idea seeming a little strange, the heavily-armed boy standing in your driveway claims he's there for your protection.
President Trump blamed Antifa for Hurricane Sally and other tropical storms that have wreaked devastation across the Gulf Coast region this year, claiming the left-wing group is in possession of a weather machine.
"You'll see heat and fire like never before. You won't believe it. There'll be storms, so many storms they won't be able to name them all," he said this morning on Fox and Friends. "They'll run out of names. Mark my words. They'll be calling these storms things like 'Xylophone' and 'Pepperoni'."
Adding to her impressive legacy on the bench and as a civil rights attorney while living, the undead Ginsburg traversed the 4.5 mile distance between her grave and the SCOTUS courthouse in a little over five hours, evidently with the intention of reclaiming her position there at least throughout the upcoming election.
Dedicated to a focus on lifting the spirits of its readership during today's troubled times, the site appears to have been dealt a fatal blow by what officials described as an "inferno cyclone" that left its headquarters a ruin of smoldering ash yesterday.

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