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SEVASTOPOL, CRIMEA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Russian Television (RT) announced President Vladimir Putin had discovered the ancient lost city of Atlantis only 60 kilometers away from the Black Sea port city of Sevastopol. Putin was engaged in a routine provocative visit to the disputed territory of Crimea when he decided to use his master explorer skills to find Atlantis.
CRAWFORD, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this morning, Former President George W. Bush ignored Republican pleas to pretend he didn't exist and publicly endorsed his brother Jeb for the Republican presidential nomination. The former president gave a press conference from his Crawford, Texas ranch and urged Americans to support Jeb, because "he is a good doobie who will be just like me."
Local cats could be about to start talking just like a cat on Youtube, below, in what could be their biggest evolutionary step so far as they start to pick up vocabulary from locals.
Taylor Swift has taken it upon herself to offer Kanye assistance by sending Kanye a package of soon to expire coupons in hopes that it will alleviate some of his financial concerns.
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia returned to the bench today after dying February 13th to rule against Obamacare's mandate that religious-sponsored corporations must allow their employees access to contraception through their health insurance.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Congressional Republicans thanked the millions of misinformed voters who think they know stuff for giving them control of Congress and making the upcoming October government shutdown possible. Fox News and other right-wing propaganda outlets were also acknowledged for feeding Republican voters a steady, poisonous diet of misinformation that turned them into voters who were more dangerous than uninformed voters.
HOLLYWOOD, California (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Is it film imitating life, or life imitating film? Following Monday's earth-shattering announcement by NASA that scientists have discovered flowing water -- ergo, life -- on Mars, the space agency unveiled its new spaceship  scheduled to head for the red planet in mid- 2016, with human crew members. In addition…
SYRIA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Syrian civilians who have not fled their war-torn country declared they largely did not know what air strikes were "friendly" and what air strikes were "hostile." They also explained Russia's bombing of Syria had made identifying whether civilians were being killed by a "friendly air strike" or a "hostile air strike" even more difficult.
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump announced the formation of Brownshirts for Trump, an elite club for his most enthusiastic supporters. The Republican frontrunner explained members of the Brownshirts will wear brown shirts and engage in political outreach operations - mainly at night - to interact with non-Trump supporters, those with "anti-American political ideas," and "anyone who doesn't look American."
FLORIDA (The Barbed Wire) - In a final effort to pump up his floundering poll numbers, Jeb! Bush has hired the Hillary Clinton campaign team to oversee a relaunch of his campaign. Since the Clinton team has relaunched Hillary's campaign six times in six months, Jeb! figured they were the right people for the job.
Bangor, ME – The largest and most successful drug retailing chain in the United States is facing controversy in one of its potential markets for growth.  There are several Walgreens stores already in the state of Maine and expansion has looked very promising.  
HAVE YOU EVER worried that not enough data is being collected on you? That collection is too limited in its scope and doesn’t really capture the whole experience that is you with a capital Y? I mean you are building a life story here, playing the lead in the movie of your life, and finally the seats of the theatre are full—but...
Evel Knievel, born Bob Knievel, has been mentioned by some as one of the greatest American icons of the 1970′s. He entered the motorcycle hall of fame after he was already dead and he remains dead today.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Islamic State (ISIS) announced many prominent Republican politicians - including many GOP presidential candidates - will receive cash bonuses for exceeding ISIS's recruiting goals. The Islamic State explained Republican opposition to Syrian refugees being allowed into the United States was "a wonderful way" to help the religious-extremist organization recruit even more Syrian civilians, who were essentially being held hostage inside their own country.
Congress just passed a bill establishing new names for popular foods with Arab roots.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI-01) declared Congressional Republicans will unveil their preliminary plan to replace Obamacare in 2219. Ryan urged Americans not to be concerned about Republicans incessantly attempting to kill the Affordable Care Act, because a plan to replace President Obama's signature healthcare law was already in the pipeline.
By now, my love, I am certain you have learned about our unfortunate setbacks on the petition signature front. Our brave leaders continue to tell us to fret not about that battle, insisting we shall prove victorious in that theater before next month draws to a close.
AUSTIN, Texas -- Nine bicyclists were critically offended and dozens more were irked after a confrontation at a downtown Austin restaurant led to a slew of insults being fired.
PORTLAND, OR — The rules are simple. You pack up a bowl. You watch Citizen Kane. And every time someone says “rosebud,” you take a hit.
Former Ebola Czar Ron Klain, chosen by the Obama administration to lead efforts against the disease, has returned to the nation’s capital and is demanding his restoration.

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