Check Please!
By now, my love, I am certain you have learned about our unfortunate setbacks on the petition signature front. Our brave leaders continue to tell us to fret not about that battle, insisting we shall prove victorious in that theater before next month draws to a close.
AUSTIN, Texas -- Nine bicyclists were critically offended and dozens more were irked after a confrontation at a downtown Austin restaurant led to a slew of insults being fired.
PORTLAND, OR — The rules are simple. You pack up a bowl. You watch Citizen Kane. And every time someone says “rosebud,” you take a hit.
Former Ebola Czar Ron Klain, chosen by the Obama administration to lead efforts against the disease, has returned to the nation’s capital and is demanding his restoration.
In a surprise news conference, God announced plans to shift his climate policy for Texas and Oklahoma from crippling drought to Noah-style flooding.
Almost too much fun and excitement under one festive roof, everyone!
Knick Moore offers a famously crappy father for each zodiac sign to help you appreciate your pop that much more this Father's Day.
Traditional circular baked goods purveyors have worked hard to distinguish their products from the mainstream, primarily through products which offer increased frosting-to-face transfer.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump confirmed reports he had been sexting with Russian President Vladimir Putin for over six months. Governor of Ohio John Kasich - a rival Republican presidential candidate, who refuses to make public the "very troubling" sexts - discovered the long-term sexting relationship between Trump and Putin after becoming convinced he should investigate the relationship between the two after days of them being very complimentary of each other in the media.
The woman who's toplessness rocked a mountain range in Malaysia is being approached by The Sun to get them out again on page three, only months after page three was set to be axed and only days after she caused an earthquake in Malaysia.
Yesterday, real estate mogul and reality TV star Donald Trump officially announced his candidacy for president of the United States in a 45-minute speech. As a public service, we have fact-checked some of the bolder claims Trump made during his announcement.
Davenport, IA – Dallas Northcutt and his son, Lucas, decided that an uncharacteristically cold and snowy December day provided a perfect opportunity to get out onto the local hills and go sledding after a great Christmas holiday.  Lucas got his snow pants on, grabbed his sled, and bundled up to get ready for an amazing afternoon.  Dad didn’t grab his sled this time like he normally does.
Santa Fe, NM – Dr. Phyllis Ackers has been in the field of psychology for nearly 30 years.  She has a successful practice and has always done things by the book.  Dr. Ackers made a radical change within the last year that others in the psychology field are taking note of.
Seattle, WA – Another NBA season is over with the draft quickly approaching. New draft picks means new hope for cities with NBA teams. “Everyone is excited about the NBA games coming back to their cities.  All we have left is our shitty WNBA team,” says Superfan Paul Gainer.
The U.S. Government made the following announcements today that are in preparation of New Year’s Eve 2016. All the preparations, listed below, have roots in traditional superstitions.
Hermitage, PA –  Seth Robbleson is a dedicated husband and on all accounts a pretty good father.  He’s been happily married for 12 years and has 2 beautiful daughters and son named Bruce who they recently enrolled in boy scouts.
In an effort to avoid a complete financial meltdown, Greece announced today that it is leaving the Euro and converting to the Gyro. With an economy that's just a tad bit larger than that of Oregon's, the Greek government decided that it's just too small to handle the Euro
OK, you whiney bitches, I get it. You’re pissed as fuck we fired Teresa Buchanan as associate professor. Maybe you should be. But goddammit, what else were we supposed to do?
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Federal Reserve confirmed the trillions of dollars it had printed and handed over to the financial sector to stimulate the economy since the 2008 financial crisis went almost exclusively to the richest Americans - and stayed there making them even wealthier. The Fed dubbed the unsustainable shadow economy it was running the "Weekend at Bernie's Economy" due to all of the strings it had to continue to pull in order to make it look like the economy was alive and working well for everyone when it only benefited... extremely rich investors.
A group of chickens from the Chicken Liberation Force marched in Atlanta today against alleged anti-chicken discrimination by the Black community.

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