VIRGINIA (The Barbed Wire) - Trying to quell any attempt by Donald Trump to potentially launch a third-party run for the White House in 2016, state legislators in several states are debating whether to pass requirements that candidates sign or agree to "loyalty oaths," stating they would support whoever the Republican nominee is.

DES MOINES, Iowa (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Nothing will stop Donald Trump's desperate quest to become the next president of the United States -- not Hillary Clinton, not the Mexicans, not the Chinese, not Fox News' Megyn Kelly, not Jorge Ramos, not CNN. Not even fellow Republican candidate Ben Carson. Latest numbers coming out of…

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Florida Governor Rick Scott (R) threw his support behind a new voter I.D. bill that aims to be the strictest in the nation. The "Voting Responsibly Bill," or "HB 2016," was introduced by Florida House Speaker Steve Crisafulli (R - District 51) and will only allow a Republican National Committee (RNC) membership card to be an acceptable form of identification for Florida voters.

ROWAN COUNTY, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - The American Civil Liberties Union held a press conference today to express its hope Kim Davis would unlawfully fire one of her deputy clerks for failing an unconstitutional religious test, doing his job, and not violating the law when Davis returned to work on Monday. The civil rights organization explained it would jump at the chance to show everyone "a real religious liberty lawsuit" by defending a deputy clerk terminated by Davis for following the law - as opposed to Davis' religious beliefs - and issuing same-sex marriage licenses.

Enraged by a painting of his face made with the artist's own menstrual blood, Trump reportedly painted a mockery of menstruation made with his own face.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton criticized rival Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for giving poor and middle class Americans "too much attention." Clinton argued Sanders was risking not only her ascension to the presidency, but the livelihoods of her friends on Wall Street by letting the poor and what's left of the middle class foolishly think they had "a chance in hell" of reversing growing income inequality.

Taylor Swift has taken it upon herself to offer Kanye assistance by sending Kanye a package of soon to expire coupons in hopes that it will alleviate some of his financial concerns.

Suffolk, VA – Huey Viggers has released his manifesto, of sorts, via youtube video.  He wears a large pair of plastic lips because he believes that it is his teeth that truly give away his identity.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Wall Street released a statement to the American people urging them "to invest every last penny they could find in the stock market." The Wall Street proclamation promised Americans the stock market was "completely solid and not grossly overvalued due to market manipulation," and that it would "never go down in value."

The worst fears of Second Amendment defenders will come true in late 2022, or nearly six years after President Barack Obama is constitutionally obligated to vacate the office, according to a Washington Times investigative report.

Cupertino, CA –  Tim Cook grinned as he signed off on the 2016 plan for Apple Corporation.  He pulled out his $2000 dollar pen and scribbled his signature and agreement to the plan of making a shitload more money in the coming year.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Vice President Joe Biden announced he would not run to be the Democratic presidential nominee in 2016. Biden cited a phone call "from some great friends on Wall Street," who told him former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had already won the Democratic Party's contest to be Wall Street's puppet in the White House.

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Around noon today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson compared his lunch salad to slavery. The midday meal complaint followed Carson's increasingly common pattern of comparing things he disliked to slavery.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI-01) officially lost the Republican contest to not be Speaker of the United States House of Representatives. Speaker Ryan garnered 236 votes to succeed John Boehner (R-OH-01), and declared his defeat to what he described as "one of the most shameful American legislative bodies in our history" prior to threatening all of America with what was to come.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson announced the real purpose of Area 51 was to house his original brain, and a colony of Sasquatches. Carson's statement followed his declaration earlier in the week he still believed the true purpose of the pyramids in Egypt was to store grain.

Fears were growing last night that pandas, some as old as 5, were pooping too much from all the bamboo they eat, according to scientists.

Knick and James talk movies, TV, and killing yourself.

The American people have overwhelmingly given their support to Donald Trump's border wall but have said it's best if Donald Trump was contained instead.

Canapes, some including shrimp and rolled up salmon, could be the long looked for link to finding the end of cancer, researchers at a party told our reporter last night.

No longer able to collect bulk telephone metadata, the NSA said it will revert to the old method of domestic spying by placing agents in the homes of the some 123 million households in the U.S.