Check Please!
By now, my love, I am certain you have learned about our unfortunate setbacks on the petition signature front. Our brave leaders continue to tell us to fret not about that battle, insisting we shall prove victorious in that theater before next month draws to a close.
SEEKONK, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Massachusetts man who identified himself as "a hugely patriotic American" accused President Obama of acting like Hitler for forcing states to take Syrian refugees fleeing from the Islamic State. Thomas Basil, a construction worker and married father of two, subsequently told TNA he supported the idea of forcing Muslims in the United States to wear badges that identify them as Muslims - an idea endorsed by Republican presidential candidate and loose cannon billionaire Donald Trump.
Just when I thought May was going to breeze by without anything Horrorscope-worthy (Cinco de Mayo is overdone, Memorial Day is at the end, etc.), Louisiana state Rep. Mike Johnson swooped in with a fresh batch of ridiculous.
NEW YORK, New York (The Adobo Chronicles) -  Last week, President Barack Obama banned the sale of certain military-style equipment to police departments. He also thinks that police officers should have "softer looking" uniforms, pointing out that cops are making things worse when they show up to inner city communities wearing military-style equipment and riot gear. Taking its…
A Baton Rouge resident is leading a one-man crusade to dampen threads of overwhelmingly positive comments with a single word that strikes the perfect balance between dickishness and disinterest.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Republican National Committee (RNC) declared it was thankful for an American education system so broken and preoccupied by standardized testing it helped the Republican Party remain a viable political party. The RNC also claimed responsibility for the endless attacks on public education, which have effectively sabotaged efforts to create a well-informed citizenry.
Were Notorious Sex Fiends Jimmy Savile and Rolf Harris the Result of Secret British Government Experiments? Top Scientist Claims Pair's Super Powers Allowed Them to Offend on Unprecedented Scale!
In all seriousness, today is a day we encourage our readers to donate to their favorite charities and raise awareness about HIV/AIDS (and avoid being deemed a "prick"). Don't know which one to choose? Check out the organizations that have been featured in Goodwink this year!
There’s always ‘some guy’ who has an opinion that chronicles how every person feels on a particular topic.  MouthFrog was able to speak with ‘some guy’ today who we believe fits that very description.  His name is not important.  In fact, he never volunteered his name and we never asked.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the conservative think tank Work Harder America released the results of a study on the collapse of the middle class in America. The study clearly showed the wealthy paying less in taxes had nothing to do with the disappearing middle class, which simply needed to work harder for the wealth to trickle down to it.
A number of our readers have written in to ask how much it costs now to urinate in the streets in Magaluf following the recent law changes.
The Department for Education has questioned the profitability of using teachers as student ‘pin cushions’, when Academies and unqualified staff can offer much better value for money. As West Yorkshire experiences its second stabbing incident by a pupil in as many years, Ministers have proposed that staff be replaced with un-unionised piñatas. NASUWT leader Chris Keates referred to it as a ‘crude cost-cutting measure’, although more accurately it is a measure of cutting up teachers crudely. An Education spokeswoman countered: ‘Why should we invest years of graduate and post-graduate training i
Newport, Rhode Island--Dave Mariucci, a 26 year-old software engineer, died Friday, only one day after being diagnosed with avian influenza, commonly known as bird flu.  Sources close to Mariucci say that friends and family never imagined that he was so big a pussy that he could be killed by a disease named after fucking birds.…
A new case study shows that squeezing into skinny jeans may make you look fat. The Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery and Psychiatry reported on Tuesday that doctors should take note and relay the information to their patients. The urgent message came after a woman in her mid-30s wearing skinny jeans took a look at herself in the mirror and didn't recognize the person staring back at her.
A new study has confirmed something women have been complaining about for years. The research, out of the University of Breast Information and published in the current issue of Big Boob Magazine essentially corroborates the belief that people tend to focus more on the breasts and figure of a woman when analyzing her appearance than they do on her face.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the largest corporate media outlets in the United States confessed they were purposely ignoring U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - a Democratic presidential candidate - as much as they could. The corporate media syndicate asserted Sanders was "too serious" about running for president, and his focus on all the negative characteristics of the United States made him "too pessimistic and objective" for an American public that must focus on being afraid of terrorism, conformity to the status quo, celebrity drama, and... Donald Trump.
White people around the globe can celebrate today after once again being named the top race in the world by the International Racist Institute of Greenville, South Carolina.
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari): Louisiana Governor Piyush "Bobby" Jindal announced today he intended to perform an exorcism on the hair of fellow Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. The exorcism on the demon-possessed locks was requested by Trump, who heard Jindal had performed an exorcism on a friend while he attended Brown University.
Boston, MA – (SatireWorld.com)
Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Medical School published a jaw-dropping study showing proof-positive results on what makes a person’s mind think in liberal political terms. After an exhausting 10 year study, over 5,000 local Boston residents and university students were given tests and DNA samples were taken in an effort to disprove several current theories. The opposite results startled researchers including Dr. Adam Feidler who wrote a 4,500 page peer reviewed paper on liberal thought patterns and its effect on the brain.

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