Check Please!
After I wrote my friend Dave a letter of recommendation, his dating dry spell ended immediately. Now I'm giving you permission to use the same template!
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for.
Though amphibians aren't really reptiles, I've lumped them in because there doesn't seem to be a discernible difference at a glance, so they might as well just be reptiles.
We asked Alex Bone four questions, which, as it turns out, is four more than we should have asked him. I heard you got divorced, so how is that going? So, yeah, I’m divorced.  My family and friends have forbidden me to date again, since I seem to have such bad tastes. My father says…
Sacramento, CA—A plane dropping flame retardant over a California pot farm today suddenly swung off to the east and disappeared over the horizon. The plane and its two pilots, who were battling the Now-That’s-A-Fire! fire over in Hurley, were later found permanently wedged in a KFC drive thru. Sacramento Police report when the two were arrested…
Tweet Tower—Just ahead of Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s first wave of pending indictments, President Trump scrambled to set up a deal with FedEx to get some serious overnight shipping accomplished. The president told the press today, “By Monday morning, ahead of Mr. Mueller’s fake indictments, which should be sent to Hillary anyway, I have delivered…
British universities could soon be offering students the opportunity to take and pass a degree in their lunchbreak, no longer having to give up their current employment. And for those that can not pay the full the fees, they will have the option of settling the bill by washing up the dishes.
Tweet Tower–Shortly after the announcement that long time Communications Director Hope Hicks would be leaving her position at the White House, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders said, “The president is already turning this into a positive. He is creating a new campaign for 2020. No Hope! It really says it all, and it fits nicely on…
Tweet Tower—With crisis comes opportunity and with Trump comes enough crises to employee an estimated 1.1 million crisis acting Americans (CAA). The White House is downplaying the negative implications of this aspect of the jobs report and instead remains focused on the overall low unemployment figures. Critics are pointing to the fact that endless acute situations, which only create temporary…
Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) is calling for using food stamp recipients and Planned Parenthood workers to help build President Trump’s southern border wall, the Washington Examiner reported Wednesday. Food stamp recipients would become part of the foundation of the wall, while Planned Parenthood workers, including doctors who provide abortions, would be part of the labor […]
Saul Friedman sat and stared at the grave. “Lucy, Lucy, Luce-Luce-Luce,” he snorted, as he burst into tears. There was no frickin’ justice in this world; that’s one thing for sure, ah hah hah… But these assholes! These frickin’ assholes! “Fuck you!” Saul shrieked at the top of his voice, shaking his fist at the […]
A very sad and poignant chapter. But not without hope. Mourning, not without hope. The poem from Kipling is real. As for Saul’s poem, see this: Did you catch Saul’s other poem, at the end of Volume II? The imam frowned as Jim gazed up at him innocently. “We are busy now. We are […]
The barbwire tattoo around this douchebag's arm essentially screamed, "None of my shirts have sleeves and I punch walls when I get insecure about my small penis!"
President Trump has added the state of Moronvia to his list of banned countries. In a tweet last night he said: 'We have to get tough on Moronvia. These Morons represent a real threat to the American people #keepmoronsout.'
Corporate bosses are quietly investing in hordes of sophisticated autonomous robot workers to replace us.
After decades of investigation and cottaging, police have revealed the identity of the man behind the most notorious of crimes – second only to James Corden’s agent. Ahmet Hill, of Croydon, stands accused of a flagrant disregard for toilet hygiene, causing untold blockages and being ‘a terrible advert’ for Wrigley.
by James Israel.“It makes me feel so Christian,” says lawmaker whose family still gets the best health insurance. “Donald Trump is like a merciful King, allowing us to say ‘Merry Christmas’ again,” said Paul Ryan, Republican Speaker ... Read moreGOP Celebrates Being Able to Say ‘Merry Christmas’ to Kids They Are UninsuringSubscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.
What’s your sign? Check out your and every other jerk’s Funny Horoscope March 2018, right here! What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong.

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