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by Paul Lander.Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with ... Read moreRipping the Headlines Today, 10/2/18Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format. Pick up a copy at Barnes & Noble and other stores all over the U.S.
San Francisco, CA - (satireworld.com)

California Senator Diane Feinstein (D-CA) had a recent physical and reports of the odd medical findings were leaked to FOX News. Doctors discovered she is carrying historical artifacts that she never knew she had….Prehistoric cave drawings between her breasts!
Denver, CO - (satireworld.com)

A gay pride march turned violent in Colorado yesterday when two men were beaten to death for not standing when the rainbow flag was carried past them. Travis Johnson (black heterosexual) and Jack Swanson (white heterosexual) were sitting outside their business (Johnson and Swanson Barber Shop) eating their lunch in Denver when a gay pride parade past.
82 Year-Old Abigail Pederson of Augusta Township, Ohio took another significant step into the 21st century this week when she learned how to share her vaguely racist observations on Twitter, her family reports.
On the heels of successfully renaming the “North American Free Trade Agreement” as the “United States-Mexico-Canada Agreement,” President Trump followed up today by announcing a new title for the country’s popular national anthem.
Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom,

I understand about you and your wife and people growing apart. I do want to know if you still communicate with her and what she thinks about your living “biblicaly” with a bunch of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
Los Angeles, CA – (satireworld.com)

The kindergarten classes at Che Guevara Elementary School (formerly Ronald Reagan Elementary School) in Los Angeles, California was arrested, along with their teacher, as each child had a plastic straw in their juice box at lunch time. The juice boxes, brought from home and purchased by their parents, were from Minute Maid, Hi-C, Juicy Juice, Capri Sun, and several other companies.
Tehran, Iran – (satireworld.com)
Iranian Ayatollah Smella Buttholla has demanded that, like Muhammad, no one is to take his picture or to draw/paint/sculpt a caricature or portrait of him. Buttholla feels that, to attempt to emulate the Isamic prophet, one must act like and be treated like the prophet.
Washington, DC – (satitreworld.com)

After the initial three allegations were revealed over a few weeks, a startling number of allegations against Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh were revealed just today. Those allegations include:
Two weeks into all the hoopla surrounding Brett Kavanaugh's Supreme Court nomination, I have just one question. Seriously? A man who grew up during the 80s and only sexually assaulted 2 3 5 women is a bad guy? Seriously?!
Dooberville, GA – (satireworld.com)

As an almost perfect ending to what’s being called ‘Witch Hunt Wednesday,’ SatireWorld editor Bargis Tryhol has gone on public record saying that he ‘slipped the eel to’ Justice Elena Kagan back in 1982 while getting a mocha shake at a local Arbys!

A federal judge this week released a local man who had been on death row for fourteen years after new evidence came to light showing that he was at the beach the entire time during the week of the murder.
Hollywood, CA – (satireworld.com)

Forty year old Great Dane Scooby-Doo (exact date of birth unknown as he wasn’t registered) was laid to rest yesterday at a funeral at the Hollywood Park Cemetery; He was too big to be buried in a cardboard box in the backyard. His grave is between the fire hydrant at the south exit and the nearest pine tree (so that relatives might have multiple places to hike their legs when visiting), He is survived by countless mixed breed puppies and dogs all over California and the world.
Los Angeles, CA – (satireworld.com)

Another woman has come forward to accuse comedian Bill Cosby of sexual assault, claiming the event took place as recently as 2008, which is within the California statute of limitations.
A neuroscientist told The Atlantic, "We fed our octopus more than Ecstasy. How could we not?"
Denver, CO - (satireworld.com)
Jack Phillips, owner of the Masterpiece Cakeshop in suburban Denver, refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple on religious grounds and was cited by the Colorado Civil Rights Commission (CCRC) for Gay discrimination. The Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) upheld Mr. Phillips refusal. He has now sued the State of Colorado in federal court, over further harassment by the CCRC for his refusal to bake a cake celebrating a gender transition.
Pittsburgh, PA - (satireworld.com)

Joanna Cameron, star of the mid-1970’s Saturday morning television series Isis, claims that she is not in any way affiliated with the terrorist group ISIS (called ISIL by some Democrats to show support for and pander to Syria).
Palo Alto, CA – (satireworld.com)

“That’s the way the cookie crumbles” is an expression that has been around since the 1920’s. The exact origin of the phrase is unknown, but it is used as another way to say “that’s life.” Researchers at Stanford University have received a three billion dollar grant from the Food and Drug Administration to determine the exact way that the cookie does crumble.
Concord, NH – (satireworld.com)

The duo behind Ben & Jerry’s ice cream is hoping to “take back Congress” by creating Democrat-inspired flavors.
Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield are teaming up with social justice organization MoveOn to create a contest to support seven progressive candidates ahead of the midterm elections.

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