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MADISON, WISCONSIN (The Nil Admirari) - Republican Governor of Wisconsin Scott Walker signed a $73 billion two-year budget today that will establish a feudalistic system throughout the state beginning in January 2016. The budget from the Republican-dominated legislature mandates all residents of Wisconsin who do not make at least $250,000 annually will be serfs tied to specific portions of land owned by a wealthy lord they are legally required to provide labor for.
"If you can't buy ice cream from a stranger who can you buy it from?" Jessie Krufts, Stranger

New York NY-(satireworld.com)

General Original Products (GOP) Inc, headquartered in the Trump Towers in Manhattan, has announced that a limited addition of Obama Clocks is now available for sale to the American public.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Congressional Republicans announced today that despite a nuclear agreement between President Obama and Iran they were still very optimistic about a war with the Iranians. Republicans pointed to the extremists in Iran and to themselves as being the ultimate reason why peace would never be successfully negotiated between the two powers.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and loose cannon billionaire Donald Trump declared he was very afraid U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - a Democratic presidential candidate - will steal his supporters away by offering Americans actual solutions to the issues they are so angry and frustrated about. Trump criticized Sanders for attempting to expose him as the billionaire fraud he actually was, and giving Americans rational alternatives to punitive non-solutions based on hate and fear.
Before Joshua Pinkston shows up, Jeremy and Sunny talk about a closed pizza place and barge cleaning. After he shows up, they discuss Baton Rouge's "Thugs Lawyer."
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced her 2016 resolution was to "completely destroy" U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - her primary challenger for the party's presidential nomination. Clinton asserted she wanted to tear down Sanders, and everything he ever loved, while also desiring to "seem nice doing it" so her already upside-down likability numbers did not go even lower.
LAS VEGAS, Nevada (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - In a crowded field of 37 declared, exploratory and potential Republican candidates for U.S. president, someone has to win the party nomination. And someone has to be declared the best clown . Or both. Donald Trump has graciously offered his colleagues an opportunity for a paid gig at…
Is spare part surgery keeping the Queen and Prince Philip alive? Journalist claims dead royals 'stripped for spares' as Royal couple bid to outlive Prince Charles and prevent his accession to throne.
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, GOP presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee was in New York City where hundreds of people witnessed him running from three men with nets before entering the News Corp. Building, which hosts the main studios of Fox News. Since that time, there has been a large police and medical presence outside the building, and Fox News has announced it is giving Huckabee "sanctuary from public health officials in general, but especially mental health experts."
ZIMBABWE (The Nil Admirari) - The nation of Zimbabwe today announced it was unable to find American dentist Dr. Walter J. Palmer, who reportedly paid at least $50k to lure a 13-year-old lion named Cecil out of his sanctuary at Hwange National Park in order to kill and decapitate him. The white American male in possession of a lion's head has somehow alluded Zimbabwe officials, and gone into hiding after his failed attempt to cure his bedroom impotence - by killing Cecil - ignited worldwide outrage.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was considering switching to the Republican Party to run for president, which she believed would greatly increase her chances of being in the general election due to the party's "facts-optional policy." Clinton blamed the need to consider becoming a Republican on her Democratic rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, who had recently surged ahead of Clinton in polls of likely Democratic primary caucus-goers and voters in Iowa and New Hampshire, resp
BAGUIO CITY, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - From New York City to St Louis, Missouri; from China to the Philippines, people are paying tribute to Cecil, the Zimbabwean lion killed by an American dentist last week. The killing has elicited an international outrage and many have called for the banning of hunting as a sport.…
CLEVELAND, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - ...Fox News attempted to embarrass, humble, and knockout billionaire and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump during the prime time debate hosted by the network. For some inexplicable reason - and despite hundreds of interviews with Trump - Fox News forgot that engaging Trump was the trigger for the candidate's famous and often contradictory word salad, loud "truth telling," and general bombasity the Republican base loves.
As Australian authorities move to ban Vegemite from sale in some communities because it is being bought in bulk and used to make alcohol, we sent our reporter to find out what the alcohol made out of Vegemite actually taste like. And what we found out may shock many of our gentle readers.
Sarah Palin threw her considerable oratorical skills behind Donald Trump today in a rabble rousing speech that roused a specially invited rabble, according to a man writing on Twitter.
San Diego, CA –   Unless you live in California, you probably don’t know Braxton Spooner.  Local residents view him as a bit of a celebrity.  The state is a regular when it comes to severe weather and Brax (as he prefers local residents to refer to him) consistently puts them at ease with his accurate forecasts and his million dollar smile.
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump met his "Uncle Bobby" at John F. Kennedy International Airport at 12:30 this morning. Trump flew his uncle in from Sumatra to help with his presidential campaign, and Uncle Bobby arrived with a large entourage of conservationists and primatologists, as well as large boxes full of fruit, bird eggs, bark, leaves, honey, shoots, and insects from home.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this morning, the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) confirmed a report from last week that it did not have the authority to prevent companies from engaging in stock buybacks. SEC Chair Mary Jo White assured Americans they would all become well-acquainted with what stock buybacks were "when the economy tanks again, basically due to the same type of stock market manipulation and lack of government regulation that caused it the last time."
SEVASTOPOL, CRIMEA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Russian Television (RT) announced President Vladimir Putin had discovered the ancient lost city of Atlantis only 60 kilometers away from the Black Sea port city of Sevastopol. Putin was engaged in a routine provocative visit to the disputed territory of Crimea when he decided to use his master explorer skills to find Atlantis.

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