WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush was widely criticized for his latest jobs plan failing to get presidential rival Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) back to work. Bush's plan was declared "a complete failure" by conservative and liberal observers alike for its exclusive reliance on guilt, and failure to give Rubio any incentives to get back to work.

Green Bay, WI – First time home buyer Veronica Brunwald, 28, has contacted a real estate agent to take her next step towards the American dream.  Brunwald has been working as a Medical Secretary at the BayCare Clinic and saving her money for 5 years.  She also does part-time snow removal on the side for some extra cash.

MOBILE, ALABAMA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a seven-year-old boy named Jonathan Mercy concluded the American healthcare system was immoral and "the s-word." Jonathan came to his conclusion after his parents - who have no health insurance - went to the local pharmacy to fill a prescription, but were unable to afford the $13,000 price tag for a month's supply of a drug his mother needed to treat her cancer.

Hollywood Stars Declare War on ISIS in Retaliation for Terrorists Continued Failure to Acknowledge their Cultural Significance by Not Attacking Los Angeles. Claim latest Attacks in Paris Have Caused Extreme Trauma to their Egos.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Fox News declared responsibility for the domestic right-wing terrorist attack on a Planned Parenthood facility in Colorado Springs, Colorado that killed three and wounded nine others on Friday. The right-wing propaganda network declared it may as well have fired all the bullets at the scene due to its hate-filled, largely fabricated rhetoric regarding Planned Parenthood combined with its fear-mongering and urging of its viewers to be armed at all times to respond to fabricated imminent threats that are everywhere.

She spoke in sexy baby-talk, which I hated before, but with the adrenaline from holding a live grenade, it was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard.

Let’s not ban the latest racist word and simply wait for the next one to come down the turnpike. Let’s seize control of the process and pick the next one ourselves.

Are Eastern European Immigrants Vampires and Werewolves Literally Draining UK's Lifeblood? Extraordinary UKIP Claims on Eve of General Election!

After promising a ‘stocking-stuffer' like no other…And actually in a real pair of stockings, Santa Claus announced today the new cloning process will allow him to fulfill every male teenagers sexual dream for next Christmas too.

The sun took a massive crap today, unleashing a galactical butt-shower of fire into outer space that's headed our way.

Americans have become used to tirades coming from Donald Trump.  Some that make sense and some not so much.  His latest diatribe came Friday afternoon at the Trump Tower lobby in New York City.

Did Titanic Really Sink in 1912? Conspiracy Theorist Sensationally Claims that Liner Still Afloat and Hosting Cabal of Immortal Celebrities Who Faked Own Deaths!

DENVER (The Barbed Wire) - Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is fuming this week amid rumors he used human growth hormone (HGH) to recover from surgery several years ago. Al Jazeera, the source of record for football in the United States, claims in a report that Manning was supplied steroids from a clinic in Indianapolis in 2011.

Fears were growing last night that Glastonbury festival goers will try to give Kanye West a taste of his own medicine by urinating on him as he performs, according to at least one message on Twitter last night.

NEW YORK (The Barbed Wire) - The Republican presidential field is scrambling this week to find a way forward after the shocking, recent departures of John McCain's BFF, Lindsey Graham, and former New York governor George Pataki. The announcements also crushed the dreams of millions who were hoping to see the first male president named Lindsey.

COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA (The Nil Admirari): Today, the South Carolina legislature banned the Confederate flag from state government in response to last week's racially motivated shooting at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church that killed nine black churchgoers. Governor Nikki Haley praised the move, but cautioned it involved compromising with the flag's supporters who demanded all homes and businesses in South Carolina hang a visible portrait of Confederate President Jefferson Davis.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the U.S. Department of Reality released a report that concluded seizing a federal building and daring federal agents to attack you in order to incite a deadly confrontation were almost certainly acts of terrorism and treason. This conclusion was inevitable, regardless of why the federal building was seized.

Supreme Court justice feeling much more like his old self again.

AUGUSTA, MAINE (The Nil Admirari): Republican Governor of Maine Paul LePage announced today the slime covering his entire body was impossible to remove. The slime on LePage has been blamed for his efforts to cut programs for the poor, sick, elderly, children, and virtually every other person in Maine who is not very wealthy.

After transcripts went public from a 2005 deposition that shows Bill Cosby admitting to using quaalude on women so he could have sex with them, his PR team announced today that he plans to use the publicity to promote his new movie, "Quaalude to a Kiss."