A formerly beloved celebrity activist and one of social media’s most popular figures, George Takei, has turned to the dark side, it has been declared.

Lowell, MA – Becky and Mark Dodd got married last December.  As they wait for their one year anniversary, they find themselves in marriage counseling.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): The Pentagon announced today a new Lockheed Martin F-35 Joint Strike Fighter had lost over a dozen dogfights to a 1917 Sopwith Camel biplane. The June 18th engagements showed the World War I-era Sopwith Camel exhibited "superior maneuverability and fighting aptitude" compared to its F-35 opponent.

After transcripts went public from a 2005 deposition that shows Bill Cosby admitting to using quaalude on women so he could have sex with them, his PR team announced today that he plans to use the publicity to promote his new movie, "Quaalude to a Kiss."

New York City, NY – (satireworld.com)

Former First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State verified her frigid condition to the world with her latest lawsuit. The potential Presidential candidate spilled a twenty-two degree McDonald’s milkshake in her lap and sued the fast food chain because of the burns that she suffered.

NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Barbed Wire) - Following Hillary Clinton's recent interview with CNN's Brianna Keilar, the Democratic candidate faced many of the same criticisms that have plagued her during her entire time in public life - The woman is just not warm, personable, and relatable, but rather a cold, calculating, conniving, power hungry witch.

We're asking our readers to donate their unwanted adult DVDs and Videos to our annual appeal for needy perverts this Winterval. Please give generously and rest assured that your smut will go to a good home.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Koch brothers' puppet Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker (R) announced his candidacy to destroy America's economy by using the same failed trickle-down economic policies he has employed in Wisconsin. Walker's announcement was largely overshadowed by the unfolding debt crisis in Greece, which Walker promised would pale in comparison to what he intended to do to the global economy.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas both claimed to be the person who wanted to curb the most civil liberties. The two privately conceded it was critical for the eventual Republican presidential nominee to secure the block of conservative voters that routinely claimed a Democratic president was taking their freedoms away, but enthusiastically volunteered their freedoms to a Republican president while caught up in a nationalistic fervor.

Planned Parenthood is issuing a nationwide recall of all parts purchased in the last ten years, admitting that they pose a serious public relations threat.

IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee unveiled his "Boys Will Be Boys" platform today. Huckabee's platform touts his moral superiority and excuses murder, rape, and a whole host of other crimes if a male offender claims to be a Christian, but brings down the full force of the law for women, religious minorities, and members of the LGBT community.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced today he was ready to serve in the Vietnam War. Trump said he received several deferments from the war for being too young to be command-in chief, but he has always had a strategy to win the Vietnam War and promised to share it only after he was elected president.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Congressional Republicans announced they would use American tax dollars to build new schools when the buildings could be dropped on people and explode. Republicans were unwilling to even discuss funding the construction of any new schools until they could meet the needs of perpetual war.

LAFAYETTE, LOUISIANA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Nation Rifle Association (NRA) announced the "good guy with a gun" who was supposed to be protecting a movie theater in Lafayette, Louisiana had the day off. The NRA explained how Jim-Bob Turner requested Thursday, July 23rd off two weeks in advance, but due to a "scheduling oversight" forgot to have his shift covered by another "good guy with a gun" at the theater where two people were killed by a "bad guy with a gun."

KENYA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta rejected President Obama's assertion "gays are people and deserve equal human rights, not government endorsement and enforcement of intolerant religious-based laws against them." Kenyatta assured the world he was deeply honored to be Obama's host during his visit to Kenya, but claimed "Kenya does not need advice on what to do with its much-hated social deviant homosexual population."

Sandusky calls prison "Way better than I expected." FRANKLIN TOWNSHIP, PA—When 14 year-old Joey Patrick found out earlier this year that the cancer he had struggled with for the last two years was no longer in remission, he told his parents that his last wish was to experience what so many healthy boys his age…

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and autocratic billionaire Donald Trump announced anyone who wanted to attend his rallies would need to take an oath of loyalty to him, and either show guards what he called a "Trump Obedience Tattoo" or be willing to get such a tattoo on the spot. Trump explained the new policies were the result of protesters ruining the atmosphere at numerous rallies, and asserted he was "hugely proud" of the obedience tattoo design with its two lightning bolts.

Gun safety tips of questionable integrity.

Television personality Mario Lopez's recent meeting with Dick Cheney may have led authorities to him.

AUSTIN, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) refused to heed calls for his resignation today, and blamed Texas voters for electing "a criminal, a hypocrite, and a man of such low moral character" to be their state's chief enforcer of the law. On Monday, Paxton was indicted on three felony counts related to securities law violations that allegedly took place when he was a lawyer and state legislator, and he failed to disclose to investors in a tech company he was profiting from their investments.