Network dives right into failure instead of waiting around.

ANKARA, TURKEY (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, an anonymous high-ranking source inside the Turkish government informed TNA that Turkey was illegally purchasing oil from small businessmen wearing all-black clothing. The source asserted many of the small businessmen were very likely active members of the Islamic State (ISIS), a charge Turkey quickly denied.

Atlanta, GA – (satireworld.com)

Whenever you hear the left talk about gun control proposals it’s always in the name of ‘common sense’. So we on the right researched the issue and have come up with Gun Control reform that makes common sense, especially after you examine the data on past gun related murders.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles®) - As Barack Obama was speaking at a White House event honoring LGBT Pride Month on Wednesday, a heckler started yelling at the President. The heckler was later identified as Jennicet Gutiérrez, an undocumented transgender immigrant who was protesting deportations under the Obama administration. An immigration group claimed Gutiérrez was a founding member of Familia TQLM…

Twin Falls, ID –  “We see this far too often.  A lovely family having a picnic at the park and, wham, there is a large bear to scare them off.  These bears may sit down and eat the entire picnic or even eat the family.” 

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Supreme Court Justices Anthony M. Kennedy and Antonin Scalia threw punches at each other earlier today. The brief fistfight between the two erupted in the Court Chamber and involved the Court's 5-4 decision on Obergefell v. Hodges, which effective legalized gay marriage across the country.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today, President Barack Obama signed an executive order outlawing all forms of Christianity in the United States. Executive Order 60666 closes all Christian churches and seizes all Christian property, especially guns.

Another completely made up trash classic reviewed!
An attempt to recreate the Italian exploitation movie formula in the UK, 'Dogs on Drugs' presents the tale of a town's pet dogs getting a dose of hallucinogenic drugs and turning homicidal.

94 year-olds across the country are to have a minute's f*ck off today at 11:30 today in solidarity with Prince Philip, a 94 year old told this newspaper.

Jacob Zuma will spend $5m to build a brothel facility at his presidential home in the Nkandla compound it was announced last night.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles® )  - It's summertime and that means millions of Americans will be heading down to the beach to beat the warm temperatures. But this is also causing great alarm among U.S. health officials because of the fact that skin cancer, mostly from sun exposure, is the most common of all cancers.…

MIAMI, Florida (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Miss Universe is up for sale! No, not Paulina Vega, the reigning title holder from Colombia, but Miss Universe the pageant. Republican presidential candidate and real estate mogul Donald Trump told reporters he was putting his 49% stake in the pageant on the market. Trump has been the face…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The Republican National Committee announced today it will be having all of its presidential candidates compete with each other to see who can make a child of illegal immigrants cry the fastest. The competition will be named "Only the Republican Who Makes a Child of Illegal Immigrant Parents Cry Fastest Can Truly Protect America," and will take place at 9pm EST on Thursday, August 20th near the El Paso, Texas border crossing.

MADISON, WISCONSIN (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and Governor of Wisconsin Scott Walker announced today he wanted the Selective Service System to give him all of its records regarding all able-bodied men ages 18-30. Walker explained he wanted to use the list to offer incentives to registered American males to volunteer for military service before he is sworn in as president, and reinstates the draft for a war with Iran.

Police are to begin a controversial tupperware amnesty due to tupperware users never f*cking getting them back.

A local iPhone was bluntly honest in a dating profile when it wrote that its hobbies included “being taken into bathrooms” and “watching [its] owner crap.”

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie told Fox and Friends that he was "not mad, just stop citing stupid poll numbers." Christie has consistently been polling lower than the margin of error in most national polls of likely Republican primary voters, and will not be eligible to participate in the first Republican debate being hosted by Fox News next week if that continues.

CLEVELAND, Ohio (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - The stage is set for the Republican presidential debate to be held at 9 p.m. on Thursday at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland. It will air live on the Fox News Channel with moderators Chris Wallace, Megyn Kelly and Bret Baier. The GOP  debate will feature candidates who made it…

CLEVELAND, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - ...Fox News attempted to embarrass, humble, and knockout billionaire and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump during the prime time debate hosted by the network. For some inexplicable reason - and despite hundreds of interviews with Trump - Fox News forgot that engaging Trump was the trigger for the candidate's famous and often contradictory word salad, loud "truth telling," and general bombasity the Republican base loves.

PORTLAND, OR — "We had no idea the nasty stench that stuff was covering up."