"My look is called 'Singing Barber Of The 1930s.'" Fred Flunkee, Retired Bargain Bin Man

Expanding upon his recent observation that “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters,” likely GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump added today that if the people he shot were Muslims and Mexicans, he would probably even gain voters.

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie announced he was doubling his protective detail in his home state. The move followed thousands of threats made by New Jersey citizens to "tar and feather" Christie then "run him out of town on a rail."

BEIJING, CHINA & NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, China announced its stock market would be going on a vacation and the Ministry of Finance would be releasing "highly accurate" stock numbers. Wall Street praised the announcement and continued to encourage Americans to purchase highly inflated stocks before everyone ran out of tricks to hide the symptoms of another looming global economic crisis.

Kalamazoo, MI – My name is Miranda and my house is right next to a Mexican restaurant called El Gato.  

LACONIA, NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie announced he wanted to fit a permanent shock collar equipped with a Global Positioning System (GPS) on all illegal immigrants that entered the United States. Christie explained every illegal immigrant would be fitted with a collar and dropped off in Mexico approximately two miles away from the US-Mexico border where the collar would be activated and programmed to shock an illegal immigrant if he or she came within one mile of the United States.

Pet rabbits around the the world are being arbitrarily detained and can claim compensation from their owners. That's the shocking verdict delivered today from the United Nations.

Lake Jackson, TX – Ron Paul has given up his bid to become Commander In Chief and frankly doesn’t have high hopes for his son, Rand.

8 year-old Ava Hunt is no longer a student at Loveland Elementary School in California. After 9 tardies, the school principal informed the parents that they cannot allow their daughter to attend the school when she is consistently late. The reason for her tardiness? Her parents, Aaron and Jackie Hunt, spending countless hours making the perfect "first day" sign to post on social media.

NEW YORK, New York (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - In response to backlash on using white actors to portray Japanese characters, the New York Gilbert & Sullivan Players had just announced that their stage production of THE MIKADO, scheduled for the NYU Skirball Center for Performing Arts this December has been cancelled. The musical, penned…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Congressional Republicans announced they were preparing for Pope Francis' Thursday morning address to a joint session of Congress. Party leaders said they had constructed a gold-plated cage for the pontiff to sit in, and collected rotten food for Republicans to throw at Pope Francis when he lectured the GOP on the seriousness of climate change, and how Republicans must stop their attacks on the poor, sick, disabled, veterans, and so many other groups.

DC has floundered as rival comic company Marvel has soared in recent years. With every record-breaking movie Marvel released, from Iron Man to Guardians of the Galaxy, DC executives tore their hair out and tried to reverse-engineer Marvel’s success.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - The National Aeoronautics and Space Administration (NASA) is expected to announce on Monday that scientists have discovered on the surface of the red planet what appears to be debris from earth. NASA is preparing to reveal  the “major science finding” in a special news conference that will take place at…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a number of Republicans demanded President Obama and his family vacate the White House so the residence could be prepared for the next president. Republicans asserted the whole interior of the White House needed to be repainted, among other things, and such tasks would be much easier if the Obamas were no longer living there.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admiari) - In the wake of yet another senseless mass shooting in America, the Republican National Committee (RNC) announced its presidential candidates had pledged to make every future campaign event - including debates - a "mandatory gun zone" to show their support for a gross misreading of the Second Amendment. RNC Chairman Reince Priebus denied Republican candidates were forced to choose whether to support the mandatory gun zone edict or drop out of the race, and declared candidates were required to give a gun to any supporter that showed up at a campaign event...

HONOLULU, Hawaii (The Adobo Chronicles ) - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump may be having a dose of his own medicine, thanks to Native Hawaiians who want the real estate mogul evicted from Waikiki. All of Hawaii's land of course belonged to the Native Hawaiians before the Americans overthrew the Monarchy in 1893 and annexed the…

SYRIA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Syrian civilians who have not fled their war-torn country declared they largely did not know what air strikes were "friendly" and what air strikes were "hostile." They also explained Russia's bombing of Syria had made identifying whether civilians were being killed by a "friendly air strike" or a "hostile air strike" even more difficult.

Las Vegas –  Bad ass Marine and democratic hopeful James Henry Webb Jr. generally kept his cool Tuesday evening in the city of sin.  He moved his lips and made some incredibly compelling snake-like hand gestures that played well with voters. 

Hildale, UT –  Six year old Amanda Cousins showed fear and shock after getting an open hand smacking of her butt, like a beaver slamming his tail on top of a river. 

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ignored all questions from the Select Committee on Benghazi, which infuriated Republican committee members. Rather than listening to and answering questions, Clinton gave the whole event very low priority and sat calmly in her chair as she read a children's book by the name of "The Pet Goat."