One day after rejecting from state classrooms dozens of math books on the grounds they contain leftist propaganda, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis went one step further this morning by banning the teaching of math altogether.































































 
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Just over seven weeks into its full-scale invasion of Ukraine, Russia has declared victory after liberating a community dance center near the country's eastern border.
































































 
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A comic roast of Chuck Norris held at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas last night resembled more of a love-fest of the legendary action star, disappointed audience members reported.































































 
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With Vladimir Putin's ill-conceived invasion of the Ukraine grinding to a halt, the mounting pressure from his army's inability to achieve its objectives and stifling international sanctions will most likely induce him to overturn the global chessboard and slam the red button.
































































 
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Quickly filling the void left by Western restaurant chains who have ceased operations in the wake of Russia's invasion of Ukraine, a new Moscow eatery has begun drawing crowds reminiscent of the arrival of McDonalds in 1990.
































































 
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Vladimir Putin's wife announced today that she is launching a new campaign to combat bullying throughout Russia.
































































 
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As Ukrainians continue to flee their country westward into Poland and Southward into Romania, millions more around the world have more astutely begun to try to escape downward into the Earth, digging with whatever implements they have in a desperate but futile bid to escape the imminent nuclear destruction of the planet.

Emboldened by the relaxation of COVID restrictions across the country, Canadian truckers have added to their list of demands changes to provincial DUI laws and a guarantee from NATO to never expand into Ukraine before they will agree to end blockades currently choking Ottawa and several key bridges into the United States.

Already facing condemnation for spreading misinformation about COVID-19 and its vaccines, podcaster Joe Rogan sparked new controversy today for lending his platform to a man claiming diabetes is not a real disease.
































































 
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Edging out ice fishing juggernauts Norway and Canada, which took home silver and bronze, the Estonians victory was secured when Urmas Kaljend hooked a 50-pound pike in the fourth drill.
































































 
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While tensions continue to mount on the Belarussian border with Ukraine, any potential invasion by Russian troops was likely postponed weeks today after the Ukrainian government issued an edict requiring travelers to show proof of a negative COVID-19 molecular test prior to entering the country.
































































 
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Following other such iconic digital assets as Gentleman Giraffe and Flying Koala Bear with Laser Beams Shooting from Her Eyes deeper into the red, the failure of major support levels in the NFT market could signal that its investors might need to start searching for real jobs again.
































































 
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Traveling at approximately 75,000 kilometers-per-hour, the asteroid could have brought an end to all life on earth, scientists say, a potential it failed to live up to when it missed the planet by over a million miles.
































































 
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Armed with a Flowflex Rapid Antigen Test purchased at a local drugstore, 34-year-old Michael Pallardy of Fresno, California made the discovery of SARS-CoV2 up his butt after he inserted the swab provided with the kit into his rectum instead of his nostril, he revealed.
































































 
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The third annual MegaCruise, a heavy metal-themed ocean cruise headlined by thrash-metal band Megadeth, registered its 30th death from COVID-19 yesterday.
































































 
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Sen. Joe Manchin, D-WV defended his decision to not support the Build Back Better legislation today, citing his belief that parents would likely use child tax credit payments to buy food.
































































 
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Mayfield Consumer Products, owner of a candle factory in Mayfield, Kentucky whose destruction by a tornado Friday resulted in the deaths of 8 of its workers, issued an apology today for the delay in candles to market that the company's loss of production will cause.
































































 
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Appearing last night at a red carpet for her upcoming film "Don't Look Up" - a comet-set-to-destroy-the-Earth movie in which she evidently plays the comet - the 31-year-old actress mystified in a floor-length curtain that concealed everything but her apparent newfound love for carbohydrates.
































































 
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One day after hearing arguments from the state of Mississippi seeking to affirm its legislature's judgment that abortion should be banned after 15 weeks of pregnancy, the Supreme Court will hear a case from California calling for the expansion of abortion rights to as long as 664 weeks.

Joining the ranks of Woolworth's and Ace Hardware, automotive chain Pep Boys announced today that they will no longer offer abortion services at any of their Texas locations.
































































 
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