Check Please!
To correct that übersehen we celebrate National Ask Nietzsche Day. Instead of asking yourself what Jesus would do, say, when his girlfriend starts yelling out for god during sex, we suggest you ask Nietzsche instead. He is, after all, a savvy advice columnist.
"People have to flush 50, 100 times," President Trump announced to the press this morning.
In 2009 President Barack Obama warned that "a critical shortfall of gravity brought on by the "failed gravitational policies of the past" was the greatest existential threat facing this country. "The United States, which is home to 5 percent of the world's population, consumes nearly 60 percent of its gravity," the president explained.
Need a gun, drugs, and counterfeit money? Software to hack into your fucktard neighbor's computer or somebody to kill the bastard outright? What about login credentials to a $50,000 Bank of America account for $500? If these sound tailored to meet your personal needs or if you're truly into kiddie porn, you ought to be X-mas shopping on the Dark Web.
Baltimore Mayor Bernard “Jack” Young urged citizens not to park near white vans because "evil, evil people in white vans" are trolling the city searching for young women to enslave, force into prostitution, and murder, before selling their body parts, the ones that haven't been worn out by prostitution, to Dark Web laboratories.
Few activities enrage feminists more than side-saddle riding. We're talking horses, now, not some perverse spin on scissoring. Feminists of every sort—classic, non-binary, echo [sic], inter sectional, intercollegiate, separatist, and beard wearing—lose their shit at the sight of a female sitting side saddle on a horse.
The Romans had an expression for it . . . "it" being a foul, snot-flinging, food-showing, ass-kicking mood that envelops a person for no reason. The expression was In lectulo surgens sinistram: He got up on the wrong side of the bed. (When Roman women were in a foul mood, it was assumed they were in rag, an expression that doesn't need translating.)
Those income figures, however, do not convey as much information about the quality of life in Port Allegany as its crime statistics do. Witness the following annotated crime report for November 14 through 21, this year. Prepare to be staggered.
Bullock, who in fact won over virtually no one during his seven-month-long candidacy, will reportedly also be stepping down as the head of the Bullock household, according to members of his family.
This one doesn't need an instruction book; no assembly is required. You've got a brain, an imagination, and at least one good eye. What are you waiting for? Start coveting . . .
It's a 1970s game show, a 1932 movie, and a late 1920s marketing ploy designed to bait people into using more matches. It's three on a match, that's what it is, Skippy, and today is its national celebration day.
Do you remember what you were doing when Beatle George Harrison died eighteen years ago today? Of course not. Most people don't remember what they were doing when "The Quiet Beatle" was alive.
Who wants to put up with drunken relatives, tryptophan poisoning, holiday traffic, shitty football, and severe gastric distress to celebrate a land grab that doesn't merit celebrating?
One weapon in the war against those who would tell us how to live is the seat belt alarm silencer. Inserted where the seat belt clip normally goes, it prevents your car from ding-ding-dinging throughout eternity . . . or until you cave in and fasten your damn seat.
I bet that turkey was up to all kinds of no good. It totally deserved to be carved into bits.
Calling an offensive by the Spanish Republican Army against Spanish Nationalist forces that took place over 80 years ago outside of Madrid, "Cowardly and terrible," President Trump pledged his allegiance to the Franco-led fascists in a tweet this morning.
Who really wants to go running when you could be drinking gravy from a mug?
“The iPlug, a combination thumb drive and butt plug, will be rolled out today," said an inside source at Apple. “Expect Tim Cook to be wearing one at today’s launch."
Charleston, SC – Duck Donuts is a relatively new and nondescript establishment that’s opened up in a local Charleston strip mall. One couple we spoke with this past week is astonished.
We didn't figure we had inconvenienced anyone, and we sure would have been inconvenienced having to walk half a mile back to a regular lot, wasted as we were.

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