The White House condemned Senator McConnell's announcement, and asserted it was "pretty sure" a dead man's ghost could not serve on the Supreme Court.

Out of respect for wildfire victims, stations will remove the words "safe and warm" from the popular song. Because this whole fire thing is getting ridiculous.

MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles, Manila Bureau) - Immigrating to the United States has just become easier for Filipinos. Likewise for U.S. citizens wanting to permanently move to the Philippines. The government of Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte has approved a bilateral immigration policy with the U.S. in which Americans wishing to escape a Donald Trump presidency…

Club Tropicana opened to much fanfare in 1983 with its owners splashing out big money on the venue as well as its signature tune, as made famous by Wham. But in the end it was its free drinks policy that sunk the bar.

In a surprising development that has left your sister Kelsey, your cousins Michael and Courtney, and millions of others shaking their collective heads, your Aunt Becky has been tapped as the country's first official National Chief News Inspector.

With flaming non-toxic safety torches in their hands and their pockets stuffed with fun, healthy snacks, a mob of perfect mothers have laid siege to the home of the Cincinnati zoo mom.

Scientists looking for alien life on other planets have been looking in the wrong place, according to an independent telescope owner and his mates.

Electoral College Not Even Accredited, Critics Say

CINCINNATI (The Barbed Wire) - Lawyers representing the Planet of the Apes (POTA) filed a wrongful death lawsuit in Cincinnati this morning, charging the zoo and the parents of a boy who climbed into the gorilla exhibit with negligence and causing the unnecessary death of their friend, Harambe. Cornelius, lawyer for POTA, said, "Our brother's death is an outrage."

The National Transportation Safety Board has ruled that “Juicy Farts” will not count as vehicular accidents for insurance purposes. In the wording of the ruling, the NTSB stated that “even though having a juicy fart can be called having an accident, it is not the kind of accident that should lead to the filing of automotive accident reports or the collection of auto insurance money.”

Saying that no hashtag will be left unexamined, a senior BuzzFeed editor has sent cub reporter Ben Walker into the dark and dangerous world of Twitter to uncover the truth about a thwarted terrorist plot to attack a major European capital.

American corporate media tired of humoring the American people with charade of democracy.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles, Washington Bureau) - House Speaker Paul Ryan today categorically denied that he screwed an altar boy. Ryan was reacting to a statement by entertainment personality Rosie O’Donnel, who said that Ryan is going “straight to hell.”  O’Donnel was referring to the tax plan recently passed in Congress, courtesy of Ryan and…

London, England-(SatireWorld.com)
Yes! Khaki is back! The popular Mohammed’s Jihadist Fashion House has released a full line of Jihadist’s men’s fashion and accessories which were shown at the annual Osama Bin Laden Jihadist Fashion Show in downtown London this past weekend. Coverage of the event was promoted by the British Labour Party as part of the ‘understanding our guests’ program.

The Strait of Hormuz – (SatireWorld.com)
As two fully equipped US naval carrier task forces close on the Straits of Hormuz, the Iranian Navy announced it’s launched its first aircraft carrier and promises to strike a bloody blow if intimidated by US naval forces.

James is off on his yearly pilgrimage to Bonnaroo, so Knick is joined this week by Sunny Weathers to talk about the Mandela Effect. The guys delve into the possibility of alternate dimensions and parallel universes in their own lives, as well as the usual god-awful topics that come up every time Sunny guest hosts.

London (UK) – (satireworld.com)
According to new UK government reports, there are nearly 20 million new cases of sexually transmitted infections each year in Britain. The number is remarkable simply because there are only 63 million people in Britain.

Fears that someone who died in 2016 had the secret that could stop World War Three starting in 2017 were growing last night, just moments after Big Ben struck midnight and after the last firework had zipped, popped, banged and kerzinged, according to a reveler.

After several incidents of violence involving English football fans, the Euro 2016 committee decided it was time to cut ties with the most unpleasant element in the game. The board voted 7-3 in favour of banning England supporters.

Evangelicals came out this week in support of the President’s ban on immigrants from “shithole countries” and urged the US to import more Norwegians ASAP.