Admits, "I'm losing muscle tone."

THE HAGUE (The Barbed Wire) - The latest power rankings are out for the world of terrorism and there is a new sheriff in town. For the first time in the organization's history, terror group ISIS has garnered the top spot, unseating perennial favorite Al-Qaeda.

"Yea, the bear hasn't quite got the thumbs up thing down yet huh?"

The same men who posit they are much more capable and courageous leaders have gone from running for president to running for cover from the glaring truth.

Even when science does what it’s supposed to do, nothing seems to change. It’s as if there’s some portion of the citizenry that resents scientists for pointing out problems.

LOS ANGELES, California (The Adobo Chronicles ® ) - Move over Macarena. Psy, it's time to retire your horsey dance. All across America, people are doing the chicken dance: men, women, children, senior citizens, gay, straight -- in the streets of San Francisco to the dance clubs in Miami. The dance which until recently could…

Web designer Wayne Jennings was cautioned by Suffolk police yesterday after admitting that he knew "next to nothing" about singer Taylor Swift.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Yesterday, the White House confirmed reports that President Obama has been steadily increasing his daily consumption of alcohol since moving into the presidential residence in January 2009. Obama stated his alcohol intake has grown every day "just to deal with Republicans and their bullshit."

Fears were growing last night that Glastonbury festival goers will try to give Kanye West a taste of his own medicine by urinating on him as he performs, according to at least one message on Twitter last night.

Santa Fe, NM – Dr. Phyllis Ackers has been in the field of psychology for nearly 30 years.  She has a successful practice and has always done things by the book.  Dr. Ackers made a radical change within the last year that others in the psychology field are taking note of.

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari): A national survey's findings on the sexual proclivities of America's anti-gay Christian leaders was released Sunday morning in time for many morning masses. The Boston University (BU) survey titled "Quantifying Anti-Gay Christian Leadership Duplicity" showed 7 out of every 10 respondents anonymously declared they were hiding at least one gay lover from virtually everyone else in their life.

NEW YORK, New York (The Adobo Chronicles®) - 'The Golden Girls' is an American sitcom, created by Susan Harris, that originally aired on NBC from September 14, 1985, to May 9, 1992. Starring Beatrice Arthur, Betty White, Rue McClanahan, and Estelle Getty, the show centered on four older women sharing a home in Miami, Florida. Betty White…

'This is just a one-off, and statistically very unlikely to be repeated. We would like to reassure the public that we are utterly committed to achieving the very highest standards of disruption and chaos in the organisations we lead.'

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (The Adobo Chronicles®) - Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry characterized the recent shooting in Charleston as an "accident" during an interview on Friday, accusing President Obama of using the massacre, which claimed nine lives, as a pretext for pushing a gun control agenda. "This is the MO of this administration anytime there is…

It's Day 3 of the U.S. Open and no one has the courage to break the news to Patrick Reed that a big sausage link platter won't be waiting for him once he finishes the tournament. "The vision of the juicy links have been keeping him focused and I don't want to break that," said Kessler Kairan, Reed's caddy.

ATLANTA, Georgia (The Adobo Chronicles) - While health authorities in Southeast Asia are alarmed at the increasing number of cases of the Middle East Respiratory Syndrome (MERS), officials of the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) are worried about a possible epidemic of  a mysterious oral bacterial infection among Americans. In just the last 24 hours, the…

Newport, Rhode Island--Dave Mariucci, a 26 year-old software engineer, died Friday, only one day after being diagnosed with avian influenza, commonly known as bird flu.  Sources close to Mariucci say that friends and family never imagined that he was so big a pussy that he could be killed by a disease named after fucking birds.…

'Research suggests that a lot of our customers would prefer to drink something stronger than tea or coffee with their Traditional Breakfasts, but feel too self-conscious to order a pint of real ale or industrial-strength lager at 8 o’clock in the morning.'

Charleston, SC – Dylann Storm Roof, the name his parents admittedly named him on purpose, arrived back in Charleston to face charges for allegedly killing 9 people inside a historical church.  As locals try to make sense of the terror and bloodshed, Dylann’s best friend seems to be the only one close to him talking.  We’ll call him ‘Tin Roof’ to protect his anonymity.

Donald Trump, professional candidate for the GOP nomination and bad wig model, says he's rich enough to be the best president. By James Israel, Humor Times.