NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump announced today he had kidnapped billionaire David Koch, and was demanding a large amount of money from billionaire Charles Koch to get his brother back. Trump claimed the kidnapping was in response to being snubbed by the infamous Koch brothers, who did not invite him to Dana Point, California this past weekend where about 450 very wealthy conservative donors gathered by the Kochs met with five other Republican presidential candidates.

With its myriad of natural delights and seasonal climactic appeal, the beach attracts millions of Americans each and every year. Though fun for some, the beach can also be an extremely dangerous and terrifying place.

"I lose complete control of all my body's emissions when I sneeze. Just know that, fans, before inviting me to a sneeze party again." Jimmy Popper, Nurse

'The Duchess is to relinquish her ‘softer’ public facing role in favour of some hard graft,' said a Kensington Palace spokesperson, 'she is very much looking forward to the prospect of surveying chain anchor legs and inspecting and stabilising underwater oil-pipelines.'

Famous for his go-go lifestyle, few people know that an addiction to the game “Go” nearly derailed Keith Urban’s career. In a recent rant, much to the dismay of people around the world, Tony Abbott, the Australian Prime Minister, compared Kiwis to sperm: “Millions of them enter and only a couple of them actually work.”

ATLANTA, Georgia (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Amid conflicting reports that Zimbabwean lion Cecil's brother was either killed or is still alive, CNN has confirmed that Jericho was indeed killed. In a news flash aired on Don Lemon's show tonight, CNN announced that Jericho, Cecil's brother, "who is also a lion," was killed in yet another…

Cecil the lion will become the first animal canonized as a saint by the Catholic Church it was announced earlier today.

"I need to get me some Thug Life sunglasses. Or a pretty bird." Jimmy Popper, Punches Above His Weight

NEW YORK, New York (The Adobo Chronicles®) - Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton just released her first official political  ad and already, pundits are praising it as one of the most brilliant campaign ads America has ever seen. In the ad, Clinton talks about her late mother Dorothy  who brought her up in a loving family.…

"Bless him, but dear Lord cover my eyes or cover those arms!" prays one devout but grossed-out Lutheran.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Fox News announced Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie will stand next to each other during Thursday's debate hosted by the network. The announcement met with condemnation from the eight other participating Republican candidates, as it broke the debate rule stating candidates would be positioned based on their national poll numbers.

Amid the controversy surrounding the killing of 'Cecil' the lion, the focus has now switched from a US poacher with a dental license, to 'some naked dude' without hunting license. Zimbabwean officials have accused a Mr. Herecles of using his gnarled club to kill both a lion and a hydra - all while having his 'junk on display'.

A Republican Sweet Sixteen… Plus One Get to high ground everybody. Our nation is in danger of being inundated by a candidate tsunami of 17 Republicans. The Sweet Sixteen and Never Been Kissed, Plus One. Seventeen Shades of Grey. If they used a designated pitcher they could split up into two teams and play softball.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the anti-choice movement in America was outraged when President Cecile Richards of Planned Parenthood announced her organization was responsible for preventing more abortions than they were. Richards explained that because Planned Parenthood promoted contraception and education about having sex responsibly it was far more effective at stopping abortions than a bunch of hypocrites who ignore human sexuality and just tell people "sex bad, don't do it."

BAGUIO CITY, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - From New York City to St Louis, Missouri; from China to the Philippines, people are paying tribute to Cecil, the Zimbabwean lion killed by an American dentist last week. The killing has elicited an international outrage and many have called for the banning of hunting as a sport.…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The campaign of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced today it fired an adviser named Sam Nunberg for making racist statements shockingly similar to those Trump makes every day. Nunberg was fired after it was discovered he made offensive Trump-like statements on social media in 2007 and 2008. Nunberg denied he ever stated them, much like Trump would in his position.

STAMFORD, CONNECTICUT (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Jerry Springer, the host of The Jerry Springer Show and former Democratic mayor of Cincinnati, announced he was changing parties so he could run for the Republican presidential nomination. Springer said he was running to "add some civility and decorum" to the Republican field of candidates, which he described as "lying Neanderthal clowns."

Summer holidayers across the world have been warned not to eat ice creams while crossing busy roads, according to the United Nations.

While two fellow drivers looked on sniggering, an Amazon delivery man demanded steak and chips then punched the customer in the face when the request was refused.

Taliban fighter evades capture, but succumbs to gaming addiction Dec 1st, 2001 — the date Mullah Mohammad Omar fled Kandahar, Afghanistan’s second-largest city, on the back of his donkey named Kurt. As the Taliban’s supreme commander and social outings organizer, Mullah’s decision to fade into anonymity has had a heavy impact on...