It's Day 3 of the U.S. Open and no one has the courage to break the news to Patrick Reed that a big sausage link platter won't be waiting for him once he finishes the tournament. "The vision of the juicy links have been keeping him focused and I don't want to break that," said Kessler Kairan, Reed's caddy.

ATLANTA, Georgia (The Adobo Chronicles) - While health authorities in Southeast Asia are alarmed at the increasing number of cases of the Middle East Respiratory Syndrome (MERS), officials of the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) are worried about a possible epidemic of  a mysterious oral bacterial infection among Americans. In just the last 24 hours, the…

Newport, Rhode Island--Dave Mariucci, a 26 year-old software engineer, died Friday, only one day after being diagnosed with avian influenza, commonly known as bird flu.  Sources close to Mariucci say that friends and family never imagined that he was so big a pussy that he could be killed by a disease named after fucking birds.…

'Research suggests that a lot of our customers would prefer to drink something stronger than tea or coffee with their Traditional Breakfasts, but feel too self-conscious to order a pint of real ale or industrial-strength lager at 8 o’clock in the morning.'

Charleston, SC – Dylann Storm Roof, the name his parents admittedly named him on purpose, arrived back in Charleston to face charges for allegedly killing 9 people inside a historical church.  As locals try to make sense of the terror and bloodshed, Dylann’s best friend seems to be the only one close to him talking.  We’ll call him ‘Tin Roof’ to protect his anonymity.

Donald Trump, professional candidate for the GOP nomination and bad wig model, says he's rich enough to be the best president. By James Israel, Humor Times.

Shortly after being suspended, news anchor Brian Williams announced that he would begin work on his autobiography, "Insincerely Yours." By John Glynn.

HOLLYWOOD, California (The Adobo Chronicles) - On her Twitter account today, singer Cher said that if Donald Trump were elected president of the United States, she would move to Jupiter. Like Cher, many other Hollywood celebrities weighed in on the recent announcement by the business mogul that he was running for president in 2016.  Some were showing…

WASHINGTON D.C. (The Barbed Wire) - Finally explaining their unexplainable actions in Congress since the midterm elections last November, House and Senate leaders announced today that they were "transpolitical," meaning they consider themselves to be a member of both political parties.

The U.S. Supreme Court will issue a decision on marriage equality at the end of the month, but Jeb Bush isn't wasting any time in preparing for the chaos he thinks will ensue. On Friday, he started a petition to declare Florida an independent nation should the Supreme Court rule in favor of marriage equality.

SAN FRANCISCO, California (The Adobo Chronicles) -  It's supposed to be the big day on Thursday  for Pizza Hut : the official launching of its new  pizza with hotdog-stuffed crust, a concoction that Italian chefs and bakers would almost be embarrassed to even think about. The usually serious Washington Post  took time out from its political…

JUPITER ISLAND, Florida--After several seasons of sub-par performances and pushing through various physical ailments, PGA superstar Tiger Woods is finally regaining his form and performing like a much younger man, according to several local prostitutes. "He definitely has his fire back," says Cookie, a dancer at Sensations, a local club, "He approaches every hole with…

'Criminals will think twice about entering a church if they know they'll be confronted by a pastor wielding a bible in one hand and an AR-15 in the other.'

by Gary Chew.“Aloft” – a film review by Gary Chew Aloft (from 2014) contains a smidgen of sub-titled French dialogue, but it’s English that’s spoken most. This mishmash of language may possibly be a bit confusing for you, but just wait till you see the film. Claudia Llosa, who wrote and directed Aloft, was born in Lima [more...]Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.

A 9 year-old Decatur, Georgia boy castrated himself yesterday, bringing the number of Caitlyn Jenner-related mutilations by children up to 15 since the former Olympian underwent his own sex reassignment surgery last month.

Consumer advocate and former presidential candidate Ralph Nader says he is close to opening the doors to his own Washington D.C. swingers club.

The FIFA Women's World Cup has been canceled. At 1pm PST today, soon-to-be-gone FIFA President Sepp Blatter announced that the games would be canceled after United States goalie Hope Solo "went completely ballistic and burned down Commonwealth Stadium in Edmonton."

Louisiana's flagship university is hoping to raise extra funds by raising medically prescribed cannabis on its Parade Ground, LSU Chancellor and President F. King Alexander says.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California (The Adobo Chronicles) - Forgot your password yet again? No worries. There's  a new technology now in the market that will revolutionize identity recognition for unlocking your smart phone, using the ATM, or gaining access to maximum security areas. Until recently, fingerprints and the eye's iris have been the highest standard in identity technology.…

After weeks of denying it, Chris Evans has finally agreed to grow a large stomach and die his hair brown in one of the biggest U-turns in broadcasting history since Channel 5 took over Big Brother.