CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - The Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) today released the results of its "President Trump Simulations." The university announced that in 97.9% of simulations, any meeting between a President Trump and a foreign official resulted in a war.

Following scathing criticism for having said “all lives matter” to Black Lives Matter activists, Martin O’Malley has clarified his position about whose lives actually matter.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - A clearly drunk Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) announced today he purchased a controlling interest in the Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery. Boehner purchased 51% of the winery because it produced the jugs of Carlo Gallo Chablis he liked.

Gurdon, AR –  Lucas Gibbs found himself in Arkansas visiting some old friends with a bit of time on his hands.  Everyone was outside playing football and Lucas could not participate due to a recurring knee injury.  Gibbs found himself sitting on the couch with nothing much to do.

Only days after we published pictures of some royal family or other joking about and playing Hitler in the back garden in 1933, evidence that supermarkets are making customers do the Hitler Salute when getting items from high shelves has been shown to this investigative newspaper for the first time.

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie informed the nation he was going to be louder, meaner, and far more obnoxious. Christie blamed Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump for "raising the bully bar," and taking media attention away from his bullying on the campaign trail.

MANILA, Philippines  (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - If it weren't for the statute of limitations and American comedian Bill Cosby would be charged for alleged multiple rapes he committed, his only way out would be in the Philippines. By marrying his accusers. Republic Act 8353 (The Anti-Rape Law of 1997), absolves the rapist from criminal…

Archaeologists working on a site just outside Athens have discovered what they believe is a hitherto unknown chapter of Plato's seminal work 'The Republic', a guide to the structure and governance of an ideal state. The discovery has sent shockwaves through the philosophical community, particularly in its description of a concept Plato calls 'tax'.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump now leads all other GOP contenders in recent polls on who Americans think should be the party's nominee for the 2016 U.S. presidential elections. The Adobo Chronicles®  interviewed thousands of likely voters and put together this top ten list of why Americans think…

It is believed that Jesus joined the social networking scene soon after Tim Tebow returned to an active NFL roster.  He, or his Father, did text several of the current presidential candidates so it’s really hard to tell when the arisen one has returned.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced today he was ready to serve in the Vietnam War. Trump said he received several deferments from the war for being too young to be command-in chief, but he has always had a strategy to win the Vietnam War and promised to share it only after he was elected president.

OKLAHOMA CITY (The Barbed Wire) - After the most recent defacing of a monument in this town, sources have revealed that the #BlackLivesMatter movement now controls most of the paint in America. The paint hoarding is causing hardships for the housing, automotive, art, and paint-sniffing communities.

MIAMI, Florida (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Miss Universe is up for sale! No, not Paulina Vega, the reigning title holder from Colombia, but Miss Universe the pageant. Republican presidential candidate and real estate mogul Donald Trump told reporters he was putting his 49% stake in the pageant on the market. Trump has been the face…

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Fox News claimed it had obtained semi-credible evidence the Islamic State completed a base on the moon, and would attack America "imminently, and at any moment." Right-wing blogger and renowned pot stirrer Pamela Geller claimed she received a Facebook friend request from "Muhammad Moon Base 1" this morning, which she claimed contained the threat to America.

A man called Tim has been elected to something. Tim told a packed Vauxhall Corsa: ‘Hi everyone, my name’s Tim, and I am pleased most people voted for me, and if you voted for the other fella, well c'est la vie. That's politics. It is politics isn't it? Because I'm also up for being on the allotment committee.'

Following behind-the-scenes negotiations with the Greek government, an international consortium of billionaires headed by U.S. investor Warren Buffet has offered to purchase the entire country outright for $100 billion.

There were hopes that Bingo's unprecedented educational accomplishments would herald a new era of human-canine understanding, presenting society with a perspective unfettered by human conventions and limitations. But Bingo's discourses have so far not met these expectations.

SACRAMENTO (TheSkunk.org) — In the midst of the worst drought ever recorded in the history of the Golden State, thirsty residents are turning to recycled urine dispensaries to quench themselves and their families.  Businesses have sprouted up and down the state, processing human urine and bottling it for human consumption.

Thousands of librarians sacked as part of Operation Austerity are creating havoc on the streets of Britain. The incidents are modest at the outset – some aggressive tutting, an occasional stare at a noisy neighbour – but quickly escalate into a frenzy of violence and sexual excess.

Ribald” is a word seldom used now. Should you not know exactly what it means, a dictionary puts it this way: “… referring to sexual matters in an amusingly rude or irreverent way.” This is all by way of saying that Amy Schumer’s summer movie is way more than just ribald.