Check Please!
Hajiland, Syria – (

The Pentagon released photos today of a top-secret raid against ISIS forces that was successful in spite of the President’s ‘no boots on the ground’ promise, The US Army raid helped win the release of over 150 ISIS sex slaves who were held against their will for over three months.
This month, everyone gets a costume idea based on this year’s big events, or — in the case of the political figures — annoying yet easily forgettable also-rans.
Jerry Fannersgraft was sitting in his college Bio class when, out of the blue, it dawned on him: That one time his dad came into his room sweaty and disheveled, muttering something about The Lion King was in fact “The Sex Talk”. Immediately after this thought, he felt quite ill.
Fans have been clamoring for Bega’s latest song ever since Mambo No. 5 was released all the way back in 1999.
McConnell continued, "Donald Trump can be president of the moon, because he sure as hell isn't going to be the Republican presidential nominee. Idiotic Republican voters have forced us to take this action."
MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles, Manila Bureau) - U.S. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump may have finally met his match in Philippine President Rodrigo R. Duterte. The two have often been likened to each other, but they are thousands of miles apart, literally and figuratively. Today, Duterte publicly challenged Trump to a fistfight -- gloves off…
All you need to know about the amazing person who might become the first American president without a penis.
The highlight of the performance speech was when Hillary broke into a rap – accompanied by a sick beat – and unveiled her new empowering motto, titled “Resist, Insist, Persist, Enlist.” (see the rest of her rap)
Washington DC- (
Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton arrogantly explained her recent incorrect spin of the FBI investigation into her private email server. She said that I may have “short-circuited” (SIC lied) in her remarks during a television interview when she asserted that FBI director, James B. Comey, had called her statements about her private email server as being truthful.
Fairbanks AK – (

Dean of Students Abigail Prude at the Washington Technical College (WTC) has cited the members of Omega Pi Omega (ΩπΩ) Fraternity with sexism towards female students. WTC specializes in mechanical design and construction related to oil pipelines, drilling, platforms and structures. The school presently has a student body consisting of 100 male students and no female students.
Rio Olympic Village – (

When you have to go, well, you just have to go! But for 20 time Olympic record gold medalist Michael Phelps a tell tale yellow stream lead to his expulsion from future competitions in any Olympic-sized pool.
Washington DC – (Satireworld)
‘Tuesday’s solar eclipse plus apocalyptic asteroids all over her birth chart,’ a soothsayer commented as hundreds of worried (sic) Americans jammed the Fright House switchboard following today’s announcement of the former Fist Lady’s death.
‘I made man and woman in my image – and they looked fantastic. Then I suddenly realised that they’d need to breed. I’m a bit like Action Man down the front as I have no need to breed. However, if I did have a wang, it would be enormous – have no doubt about that.'
West Palm Beach, FL – (

The Palm Beach, FL Jewish community launched an all out search for D&C Charperson (sic) Debbie Wasserman Schultz after she went out ‘trick or treating’ Halloween night and never returned home!
The Palm Beach sheriff’s department announced a ‘Kinky Alert’ shortly after 4 days when her husband, who never noticed she was missing, finally called the local synagogue trying to find out if the marathon mahjong fund raiser for Obama had concluded!
The newly moustachioed Farage claimed the British public much prefer a cool, crisp autumn to an extended summer and that Indian summers are infringing on the rights of traditional British weather.
"All corporate media outlets must continue to push the narrative Hillary Clinton has already won against the hopeless presidential campaign of Bernie Sanders, who we now believe to be an undead creature of darkness," stated the unsigned memo.
Washington, DC – (
The Navy is naming a ship in honor of the late gay rights leader Harvey Milk, who served in the Navy for four years before he began a career in San Francisco city government. Milk is also remembered as a man who preyed upon young men. Some as young as 14 or 15.
Many of the same people who relish in boasting about how awesome America is also claim that many seemingly highly beneficial goals are too hard to accomplish, even though these very objectives have already been accomplished by less awesome countries.
WASHINGTON - Recent riots in Milwaukee and unprecedented flooding in Louisiana were not enough to get President Obama off the golf course. But the threat to national security that the Ryan Lochte lying incident in Rio presents for the United States was too much for the president to ignore.

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