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Sandusky calls prison "Way better than I expected." FRANKLIN TOWNSHIP, PA—When 14 year-old Joey Patrick found out earlier this year that the cancer he had struggled with for the last two years was no longer in remission, he told his parents that his last wish was to experience what so many healthy boys his age…
Standing next to a visibly upset Bill Cosby, a lawyer representing the 78-year-old actor called the editors of New York Magazine “reckless and unprofessional” for their decision to feature interviews with 35 women who allege they were assaulted by the legendary comic.
"I hope they aren't expecting milk from these teats." Kent Rugby, Shirtless Dancer
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, GOP presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee was in New York City where hundreds of people witnessed him running from three men with nets before entering the News Corp. Building, which hosts the main studios of Fox News. Since that time, there has been a large police and medical presence outside the building, and Fox News has announced it is giving Huckabee "sanctuary from public health officials in general, but especially mental health experts."
MIAMI, Florida (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Donald Trump can't handle the truth -- that even his beauty queens don't support his pronouncements about Mexicans and immigrants. Trump has made illegal immigration the centerpiece of his bid to become the next president of the United States.  He not only called for the building of a great…
ANKENY, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie yelled at his one millionth American, but did not know it until this morning when he updated his "Bully Diary," which records his yelling exploits. The lucky American to be shouted down by Christie for approximately five minutes was an unidentified gun rights activist, who decided to challenge Christie's record on guns.
David Cameron has said seagulls from Devon and Cornwall could be sent to Syria in a bid to help coalition forces tackle Islamist insurgents. A spokesperson for the unfussy seabirds said the gulls were definitely ‘up for a fight’, and would do whatever it takes to repel the terrorist threat posed by IS militia, especially if there was a fish supper in it for them.
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for.
A royal spokesman today revealed that Hitler made secret visits to Buckingham Palace in 1933 for tea with members of the royal family.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Vice President Joe Biden briefed media today on his upcoming schedule, the status of several projects his office is working on, and his mastery of a deadly effective karate move that is virtually impossible to defend. “We’ll be in Omaha on Wednesday and Boise the following day,” Biden said, “And I’m going to request…
A local iPhone was bluntly honest in a dating profile when it wrote that its hobbies included “being taken into bathrooms” and “watching [its] owner crap.”
MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - It's official. Philippines President NoyNoy Aquino now holds the Guinness World Record for the longest State of the Nation Address (SONA). Aquino delivered his last SONA Monday night before a joint session of Congress. From his first word to the last, it took him two hours and ten minutes,…
"But on the other hand, if little cute puppy there got a splinter in the underside doing that, that would be the howliest, gnarliest, sound you have ever heard. It would dissolve that smiley child's face into a red mass of water and sobby half spoken breaths. Even I would downclick that." Jessie Krufts, Incinerator Manager
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Former Governor of Arkansas and Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee announced today he much preferred Hitler to Obama, because Hitler "got good stuff done." Huckabee's remarks followed his scathing criticism of the nuclear deal President Obama brokered with Iran during which he stated Obama and Iran "will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven."
New York, NY – Presidential candidate Donald Trump has faced the embarrassing wrath of a heckler more than a few times in past months. The controversial billionaire is seeking the White House as his newest mansion and acquisition.  
SYRIA (The Barbed Wire) - Once the poster boy for the evil of ISIS, the man credited with killing numerous hostages held by the terror group is reportedly now on the run from the very group that made him a star. According to the Jerusalem Post, John is in hiding, probably within a different JV terror group.
KENYA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta rejected President Obama's assertion "gays are people and deserve equal human rights, not government endorsement and enforcement of intolerant religious-based laws against them." Kenyatta assured the world he was deeply honored to be Obama's host during his visit to Kenya, but claimed "Kenya does not need advice on what to do with its much-hated social deviant homosexual population."
ATLANTA—Local good old boy lawbreakers Bo Darville and Cledus Snow are preparing to take on what some are calling an impossible task as they attempt to make a run to Texarkana, Texas in an 18 wheeler, pick up 400 cases of Coors beer and make a return delivery here—all in the next 28 hours. “We’re…
Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace, widely regarded as one of the most important novels of world literature, has been given a 21st century refashioning to make it less boring for modern readers.
ON BOARD THE TRUMP JET (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - During her acceptance speech for the Republican vice presidential nomination in 2008, Sarah Palin said that she put the jet purchased by Alaska's former governor up for sale on eBay as an example of her attempts at ethics reform. Following in her footsteps, presidential candidate Donald…

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