Hillary angered by new CNN poll: 98.5% of Americans consider her a "total horse's ass." WorldsWisestOwl.com

CUPERTINO, California (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - The stage is set for Apple's big announcement of its new products.  September 9 is the date when CEO Tim Cook unveils the new smart phones and tablets which would definitely seal his company's status as the leader in computer technology. While much of the speculation revolves around the…

LANCASTER, MASS. — The warden at the Souza-Baranowski Correctional Facility in Lancaster, Mass., has apologized after al…

SALISBURY, North Carolina (The Adobo Chronicles®) — The band Survivor has filed a $1.2 million lawsuit against Kim Davis and Republican Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee over the unauthorized use of its hit song “Eye of the Tiger." Davis, the Rowan County clerk who was jailed after refusing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, was released Tuesday morning, after serving…

BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Louisiana man who turned a nearly $1 billion surplus into a $1.5 billion deficit in less than two terms in office called Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump a "delusional sociopath." TNA has learned the man's name is Piyush "Bobby" Jindal - Governor of Louisiana and yet another Republican presidential candidate - who embraced trickle-down economics in his state, caused massive damage to Louisiana's economy, and told Americans as recently as ten minutes ago he was "the best person to be the next president."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This evening, Republican presidential candidate and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced he was ending his candidacy to destroy America's economy by means of trickle-down economics. A somber Walker asserted he had reached his decision "due to a complete lack of interest in me nationally. Heck, even the Koch brothers aren't returning my calls anymore, and I purposely destroyed Wisconsin's economy for them."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, American millennials reflected on how many things needed to be fixed in the wake of their parents, which they concluded were members of the "Most Selfish Generation" in American history. Millennials realized the Most Selfish Generation was giving them "a colossal mess to clean up" due to its refusal to pay for anything it uses, its conscious decision not to invest in any future projects other than military expenditures, and its embrace of social conflicts meant to distract Americans while the super-rich rob everyone else in broad daylight and exa

From Our Movies Correspondent: In an effort to save money, the next James Bond to be hired will sing the theme himself, in one of the most audacious money saving moves in the history of the popular spy movie franchise.

WASHINGTON D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles®) - Politics is not politics without scandals.  This scandal is about what appears to be a short-lived affair between Carly Fiorina and Ted Cruz, Republican presidential candidates both. No, it's not what you're thinking.  No romance is involved -- at least none that we know of. Rather, it is an…

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Wall Street released a statement to the American people urging them "to invest every last penny they could find in the stock market." The Wall Street proclamation promised Americans the stock market was "completely solid and not grossly overvalued due to market manipulation," and that it would "never go down in value."

MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles) - Yesterday, we reported that Filipino champion boxer Manny Pacquiao is running for a seat in the Philippine Senate.  But the congressman from Saranggani province has a not-so-perfect record in the House of Representatives. Pacquiao earned the distinction of racking up the biggest number of absences in the 15th Congress. He…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush confessed he didn't actually know what the word "safe" meant until today. The revealing admission followed Jeb's incessant statements asserting his brother - former President George W. Bush - "kept us safe" despite nearly 3,000 Americans being killed in the terrorist attacks on September 11th, 2001.

SAN FRANCISCO, California (The Adobo Chronicles) - Yelp Inc. has filed a $10 million dollar lawsuit against the creators of South Park, seeking damages caused by the latest episode of the popular television show which lampooned the customer review and local business rating website. In response, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, creators of the animated series,…

WASHINGTON D.C. (The Barbed Wire) - Establishment Republicans have been clamoring for Rep. Paul Ryan to run for Speaker of the House to fill the position being vacated by the exit of John Boehner. Ryan has been reluctant to put his name in for consideration because he knows it's a tough, thankless job.

Jeb Bush, a middle-aged to elderly-looking male with glasses, announced his candidacy for President today.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the White House received a letter from its enemy the Islamic State expressing the Islamic extremist group's gratitude for additional American military equipment, which it had easily captured from the fleeing Iraqi military. President Obama quickly responded to the letter of thanks from the Islamic State by warning Iraq "the arms gift shop is closed until Iraqis stop regifting American weapons of war to the Islamic State."

Faced with a mountain of debt totaling more than $18 trillion, the United States is planning to auction off a large section of the Midwest, starting with the state of Nebraska.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, TNA released the results of an in-house study measuring how favorably Americans viewed Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The results showed the longer Hillary Clinton was in the public eye the more Americans recalled why they disliked her, and projected that by November 2016 over 78% of Americans would rather be murdered by blunt force trauma than vote for her.

Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, continues to confound Americans with his approach in gaining the highest office in the land.  Whether it’s deporting 11 million people or convincing us the mop on his head is real, Trump continues to win over voters. 

LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, citizens of a Christian nation assaulted each other to get their hands on a finite supply of heavily discounted 4-slice digital toasters at a well-known national department store. The American Christians used their fists, feet, and a wide variety of other means of physical violence on their fellow God-fearing brothers and sisters to gain an advantage in acquiring the desirable material possession.