WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles®) - Apparently, it is not only Scott Walker who is dropping out of the Republican presidential race; all 34 of the remaining 36 declared candidates are quitting, en masse. The first to drop out from the contest last month was Rick Perry, followed by an announcement today that Walker is also…

Communist candidate for president Bernie Sanders called for a ban on Thanksgiving today, disparaging America's most solemn and cherished of traditions.

WISCONSIN (The Barbed Wire) - Wisconsin candidate Scott Walker became the second governor to bow out of the 2016 presidential race today. Walker said he was suspending his campaign and would reveal which candidate he will back for president at a later date. He blamed his spastic personality as the main reason he never connected with voters on a large scale.

White Plains, NY – Ben Tripper is a local computer programmer and admits that he overanalyzes things from time to time.  

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This evening, Republican presidential candidate and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced he was ending his candidacy to destroy America's economy by means of trickle-down economics. A somber Walker asserted he had reached his decision "due to a complete lack of interest in me nationally. Heck, even the Koch brothers aren't returning my calls anymore, and I purposely destroyed Wisconsin's economy for them."

Desperate to knock Donald Trump from his front-runner position, several Republican presidential hopefuls are reportedly teaming up in the form of an enormous combining robot, by which they plan to attack the real estate mogul.

NEW YORK CITY--Marge Burns, a spokesman for Planned Parenthood, announced today the abortion specialists will be ceasing operations as it appears almost a certainty that Congress will vote to cease federal funding of the program.  But Burns assured women across the country that there is still time to get that abortion they've always dreamed of.…

David Cameron admitted to reporters outside his home tonight that he had had 'a pig of a day', according to reporters awaiting outside his house.

'They also seem to form an orderly queue at the fallopian tubes in a 'very polite and English considerate 'you first, no after you' fashion'.

Doctors will chop off the gross pieces of little Joseph McCallister's tiny baby genitalia later this afternoon in a routine procedure.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and fired Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina announced her desire to have the USS Ronald Reagan - a Nimitz-class supercarrier - as "a golden parachute" when Congress impeached her for gross incompetence as president. Fiorina also continued to hit back at her critics by claiming she could not be considered a failed CEO at HP due to the fact she walked away with about $21 million if she promised never to return.

Vatican City – Pope Francis, ahead of a visit to the United States starting September 22nd, has wasted no time in creating a wave of hope for the God fearing church goers as well as the sinful dirty atheists.  

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Congressional Republicans announced they were preparing for Pope Francis' Thursday morning address to a joint session of Congress. Party leaders said they had constructed a gold-plated cage for the pontiff to sit in, and collected rotten food for Republicans to throw at Pope Francis when he lectured the GOP on the seriousness of climate change, and how Republicans must stop their attacks on the poor, sick, disabled, veterans, and so many other groups.

MASON, Ohio (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Many who are vision-impaired have long benefited from progressive lenses which enable them to wear a single pair of eyeglasses for both distance and reading prescriptions. Those who can't wear progressives have long clamored for a product that would cater to their particular situation. Finally, LensCrafters is unveiling a new…

'I realise now that I was acting like an idiotic one man kangaroo court, and would like to apologise to the bench,' said Commissioner John Jenkins, after he admitted to locking up Vince Hilaire, for a minor offence, and throwing away the key.

Scott Walker’s priorities are obvious: those of so-called “corporate citizens,” not the other kind. Meet Scott Walker, corporate whore and lousy gambler (with taxpayer money, of course). The Wisconsin governor says he should be America’s next president because he’s a proven budget whacker who, by golly, has dressed down teachers, slashed funding for higher education...

Independence, KY – For the 12th year in a row, some crazy lady in Kentucky has agreed to have 30 animals in her 1400 square foot home at one time.  The animals are all technically ‘pets’ but some are more domesticated than others.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, over two thousand analysts from the conservationist organization Help Save Republican Facts announced it still had not found a single fact voiced by any Republican presidential candidate during Wednesday's debate hosted by CNN. Help Save Republican Facts also declared 77% of its researchers were suffering from acute anxiety attacks after watching the entire second Republican debate numerous times in search of facts.