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CUPERTINO, CA (The Barbed Wire) - Feeling pressured to hold a September event like they always do, but out of new ideas, Apple's CEO Tim Cook promised those in attendance at today's product update meeting that the company would come up with something cool at some far-off date in the future.
Los Angeles, CA – Looking as fit and confident as ever, Hillary Clinton stood before a small group of admirers as she was sworn in as an honorary member of The Charlie’s Angels Society of Greater Los Angeles.  
The NFL season gets underway tomorrow, which means that superfans all over the country will be scrambling to set their lineups for the virtual gridiron. In what is usually a simple game, some leagues are adding in a new scoring option that might make the fantasy football season a little more interesting.
Hate! Hate! Hate! It's what fuels Britain's media, you know. There always has to be someone to hate and loathe. Someone to blame all of your problems on.
The election front-runner, Jeremy Corbyn, has rejected the rumour that the popular socialist super-group has 'split' for good. Although Yvette Cooper has hinted that she may pursue solo projects, a spokesman for Harry Styles has said he is still committed to 'progressive centre-left politics' and 'screaming twelve year old girls'.

The group claim to have had four number ones but voters can only remember their fetid pile of 'number twos'...
Wouldn’t it be nice if marital life could be summarized as neatly as financial news? It’s always amused me that financial reporters write as if all economic behavior can be reduced to a haiku-length recitation of cause and effect.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a senior campaign staffer close to Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton confirmed a popular psychic from the late 1990s named "Miss Cleo" had warned Mrs. Clinton of a "horrible Berning in 2016." Clinton laughed at questions from the press about the private discussion she took part in with Miss Cleo, and stated she was "not very concerned about any psychic reading I allegedly received this morning."
HOLLYWOOD, Calfornia  (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - She may just have been released from county jail, but Kim Davis, the Rowan County clerk who defied a Supreme Court ruling asking her to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, could end up back behind bars. To celebrate her release after six hard days in prison, Davis…
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Florida Governor Rick Scott (R) threw his support behind a new voter I.D. bill that aims to be the strictest in the nation. The "Voting Responsibly Bill," or "HB 2016," was introduced by Florida House Speaker Steve Crisafulli (R - District 51) and will only allow a Republican National Committee (RNC) membership card to be an acceptable form of identification for Florida voters.
Kim Davis is free. And it didn't come without thousands of supporters rallying outside the Carter County Detention Center and a visit from Old MacDonald. Kim Davis expressed her desire to get back to her post as a county clerk, but what she discovered upon her release from jail was devastating.
'Perhaps in the heat of the moment my saying civilisation would end if he became leader was a little hasty and that my saying anyone who voted for him was a moron was misquoted and out of context.

Actually some of my friends are raving lefty loonies, er - I mean principled comrades...
by Paul Lander.Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable [more...]Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.
"Well, I'd rather be possessed than obese." Jessie Krufts, Fat Shamer
ROWAN COUNTY, Kentucky (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - In her first interview since being put  behind bars for defying the Supreme Court ruling ordering her to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis answered questions posed by The Adobo Chronicles®. (She made it very clear that she was granting us the interview "under…
ROWAN COUNTY, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Mathew Staver - the lawyer representing jailed Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis, who refuses to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples out of hatred for America and the Constitution - announced he had "never actually read" the Constitution or "learned about the Supreme Court" prior to Sunday when he "made the time" to do so. The former Dean of the Liberty University School of Law confessed, "I have made a terrible mistake, and a complete ass of myself for claiming the Supreme Court does not have the authority to order federal and state offi
CUPERTINO, California (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - The stage is set for Apple's big announcement of its new products.  September 9 is the date when CEO Tim Cook unveils the new smart phones and tablets which would definitely seal his company's status as the leader in computer technology. While much of the speculation revolves around the…
Lake Jackson, TX – Ron Paul has given up his bid to become Commander In Chief and frankly doesn’t have high hopes for his son, Rand.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of Wisconsin Scott Walker announced his campaign would be running a Labor Day sale on all its lead-based Chinese merchandise assembled by child laborers. Walker supporters who acted today will get 30% off all patriotic-themed Walker 2016 items, receive free shipping, and be gifted a video of Scott Walker burning prominent late 19th century and early 20th century labor organizer Mary Harris "Mother" Jones in effigy.
A medicated 16 year-old boy calmly strolled into a Dick's Sporting Goods in Tempe, Arizona and shot everyone inside this afternoon, killing 7 and wounding 5.
"That is terrifying if you reverse it. Eeek. Attacked by a squawking dead duck flying through the air into his hand... I won't sleep for a week after watching that backwards." Jessie Krufts, Producer

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