Dear Everybody Who Keeps Bitching About Me Skipping Almost All the Gubernatorial Debates:
Just shut the f–k up already.

Deluded film director Quentin Tarantino would like to ban black people from ever watching his films according to a press update from his publicist.

I think Trump is saying his immigration policies could have prevented Benghazi. Sometimes it’s tough to interpret stupideze. Retraction: it’s always tough interpreting stupideze. Republican leadership is warning The Donald that he better start sticking to the script, after all, republicans only have one script (Flesch-Kincaid grade level 3). Otherwise, he runs the risk of…

'How will we know what time it is?' asked one terrified city trader. 'I'll probably have to rely on my iPhone and Apple Watch to have the vaguest idea of the time'. Others are worried about oversleeping. 'I live in Watford, it's difficult enough to hear the chimes as it is...

Latest comic book bio features Bernie Sanders, not Donald Trump! In honor of the start of the presidential primary season and on the heels of last month’s successful release of comic book biographies of Jeb Bush, Rand Paul, Hillary Clinton, and Donald Trump, StormFront Entertainment (not affiliated in any way with the white nationalist group)...

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles) - Donald Trump's domination as the frontrunner in the race for the Republican nomination for president has finally come to an end. Latest national polls show Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina tied at 23% each to claim the top spot in the Republican field of presidential candidates. Trump has slid to…

Republican presidential candidate Bobby Jindal is working for extra cash at a pizza buffet chain restaurant in the Des Moines, IA, metropolitan area in order to supplement his anemic campaign finances, according to the establishment’s management.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, House Republican budget talks quickly collapsed over a dispute about what types of donut holes should be available on the conference table for breakfast. Establishment Republicans reached an impasse with the Freedom Caucus and the Tea Party Caucus over plain donut holes and jelly donut holes, respectfully.

From Our Asia Correspondent: China guessed its economic growth at 6.9% today, a full 0.1% above what some analysts had expected would possibly be the figure they plumped for, and just a dot away from 69 one of the most sexy numbers in history, according to statistics released today.

SAN ANTONIO, Texas (The Adobo Chronicles) - Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton said she would seriously consider making Housing and Urban Development Secretary Julian Castro her running mate if she wins her party’s nomination. Clinton and the other Democrats in the November 2016 race for the White House have pushed hard for support among Hispanics, a…

Hildale, UT –  Six year old Amanda Cousins showed fear and shock after getting an open hand smacking of her butt, like a beaver slamming his tail on top of a river. 

Local gun owner Frank Chance successfully defended his home against a kitten last night, shooting the five month-old Tabby with a 12-gauge shotgun.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush confessed he didn't actually know what the word "safe" meant until today. The revealing admission followed Jeb's incessant statements asserting his brother - former President George W. Bush - "kept us safe" despite nearly 3,000 Americans being killed in the terrorist attacks on September 11th, 2001.

  In related news: Daily Discord to sue Director Robert Zemeckis

Fans of misleading offers, dishonest advertising and devious contracts filled the Albert Hall yesterday, as Zeitgeist Publishing launched its latest modern lifestyle magazine T&C.

The launch, which some were disappointed to discover was in Catford's Albert Hall, was attended by thousands of wannabe scamsters, many attracted by the offers of free cars, holidays and sex that were mentioned in their original invitations.

by Jim Hightower.The push for the TPP is like Kabuki theater The negotiations and the sales push behind Washington’s latest (and biggest) “free trade” agreement amounts to Kabuki theater. What theater? Kabuki. It’s a 17th-century form of Japanese drama, featuring elaborate sets and costuming, rhythmic dialogue and stylized acting and dancing. That does, indeed, nicely sum up [more...]Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.

Just as his fellow candidates appear to be finding some comfort around the unconventional presidential candidate, Donald Trump officials are hinting at another surprise.  

NEW YORK, New York (The Adobo Chronicles) - Flying from New York to San Francisco? Louisiana to Los Angeles? Minnesota to Florida? New Hampshire to Colorado? Well, you'd better have a valid U.S. passport. Sure, these are domestic flights, but thanks to a law signed by President George W. Bush in 2005, following 9/11, issuance of…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she would wag her dominate index finger at every Wall Street CEO to attend a fundraising dinner this evening in East Hampton, New York. Clinton declared her wagging finger would put the corruption of Wall Street on notice, and prevent another economic crisis just like her "cut it out" discussion with Wall Street in December 2007 averted the 2008 economic crisis.

Yeah, spelling is going to be even a little more of a problem than usual, but c’est la vie. I admit I have no interest in the Dem debate. There, I said it. I was like, crap. I have to watch this shit? You see Tuesday is the new Wednesday in Flagstaff. Don’t read too deeply into that. No…