LAS VEGAS, NEVADA  (The Adobo Chronicles) - It's payback time for Donald Trump! When the 2015 Miss Universe Beauty Pageant unfolds at the Planet Hollywood resort in Las Vegas on December 20, there will be fewer contestants and none of the traditional top contenders and title holders. It is the biggest boycott of the pageant,…

LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, citizens of a Christian nation assaulted each other to get their hands on a finite supply of heavily discounted 4-slice digital toasters at a well-known national department store. The American Christians used their fists, feet, and a wide variety of other means of physical violence on their fellow God-fearing brothers and sisters to gain an advantage in acquiring the desirable material possession.

Following the outstanding success of her third album, 25, Adele's record label have announced that she is to issue a fourth comprising songs entirely about the travails of supporting Tottenham Hotspur. The album, scheduled for release in the spring, is entitled 82, after the last year that Spurs were any good.

"You really have to sort of stockpile decent material ahead of time. If I find some kid baking cookies for the orphanage in October, I'll slap a Santa hat on him and save the footage for December. It's not exactly news, but hey - I've got a quota to fill."

Drawn for The What & The Why.

"Americans don't need the world's tired and poor anymore, we're full," he says of the Statue of Liberty.

  Moscow—To the dismay of billions, Turkey has ironically chosen Thanksgiving to end the world. With tensions already high, Turkish Prime Minster Ahmet Davutoğlu raised the ante. He mooned Russian President Vladimir Putin before letting fly a barrage of inappropriate gestures and sounds a la the French-taunter scene from Monty Python’s Holy Grail. As a…

A small number may moan that Tory councils are putting up their Autumn Statement street lights and decorations earlier and earlier each year. However, the majority of the public are getting into the festive austerity cheer.

'As the nights grow longer and the weather gets colder, it is wonderful to have a magical event to light up these dark times,' one Tory councillor said.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Republican National Committee (RNC) declared it was thankful for an American education system so broken and preoccupied by standardized testing it helped the Republican Party remain a viable political party. The RNC also claimed responsibility for the endless attacks on public education, which have effectively sabotaged efforts to create a well-informed citizenry.

"It's nothing like him. Serge, do Trump next. Just put a wig on and say something stupid in a whiny simple voice." Jessie Krufts, Impersonator

The obesity crisis took another fat legged step downwards last night after it was revealed that publishers of all men's health magazines have run out of new fit looking men to put on the front cover and are starting to put the same men on the front again.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles) - Tensions between Russia and the United States escalated today as Moscow received word that President Barack Obama has pardoned Turkey. Turkey, a member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) was recently accused of shooting down a Russian military plane for allegedly crossing Turkish airspace. Russian President Vladimir Putin told…

Nationwide and Papa John's terminated their endorsement deals with Peyton Manning today, joining a growing list of companies who have severed ties with the bumbling quarterback over the last week.

ANKARA, TURKEY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan announced he was "blackout drunk" when he ordered a Russian Su-24 shot down on Tuesday. Erdoğan claimed to be completely sober again, and declared there was no reason for Russia to station naval vessels with anti-aircraft missiles closer to Turkey, or construct anti-aircraft batteries in Syria capable of shooting down aircraft in Turkish airspace.

Dog owners around the country are being warned by local and state officials to keep their pets at bay on Black Friday. PetSmart announced today that the company is launching its first ever Doggie Door Bust at every PetSmart location in the country.

Former “Cheers” actress Kirstie Alley was believed to be in hiding somewhere in California Tuesday night after the Islamic State issued a fatwa calling for her to be beheaded as an apostate.

Hollywood Stars Declare War on ISIS in Retaliation for Terrorists Continued Failure to Acknowledge their Cultural Significance by Not Attacking Los Angeles. Claim latest Attacks in Paris Have Caused Extreme Trauma to their Egos.

by Michael Egan.The Constitution ‘simply represents an ideal’ that Americans should strive for, says the man under the floppy hairpiece. NEW YORK – Mussolini look- and act-alike Donald Trump said today that the American people should “consider suspending our Constitution, temporarily of course,” until what he called the “ISIS crisis” has been resolved and everyone is safe [more...]Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has confirmed that, despite the progress made by his department, the country’s National Health Service is only held in utter contempt by the Government currently, and not yet complete disregard. As a result, he and his colleagues are set to redouble their efforts to royally piss off everyone that actually cares about NHS care, in an effort to provoke a reaction that the rest of the cabinet can pour scorn upon.