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WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Congressional Republicans announced today they were stepping away from misgoverning the country like drunken, syphilis-ridden jerks, and working on a team-building exercise to help them work together. While most Republicans seemed sworn to secrecy, TNA learned from an anonymous source the "team-building exercise" would involve kidnapping and hazing Republican presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) out of revenge for his many slights to party members.
In 1998, the editors of New York Magazine decided to put black-and-white photos of all of Bill Clinton’s accusers and former mistresses on a single cover.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced today he was considering former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin for a position in his cabinet, because Palin "is a very special lady, knows what is going on, and everyone just loves her." Palin thanked Trump for the consideration, accepted a position she called "Secretion of Fatherland Security," and gave her notice that she would quit within 2 1/2 years "just like in Alaska."
DALLAS, Texas (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - The governing body of the Boy Scouts of America voted Monday to end its decades-long ban on gay scout leaders. The organization's national executive board, meeting in Texas, concluded that the policy of excluding gay adults "was no longer legally defensible."  While the national ban is gone, local scouting units…
DOUGLASVILLE, GEORGIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, TNA was able to speak to Levi Bush, who drove one of seven Confederate flag flying pickup trucks onto a field where a black child's birthday party was taking place this weekend. Bush explained he and his friends crashed the birthday party in Douglasville, Georgia to "share our culture."
Sandusky calls prison "Way better than I expected." FRANKLIN TOWNSHIP, PA—When 14 year-old Joey Patrick found out earlier this year that the cancer he had struggled with for the last two years was no longer in remission, he told his parents that his last wish was to experience what so many healthy boys his age…
Standing next to a visibly upset Bill Cosby, a lawyer representing the 78-year-old actor called the editors of New York Magazine “reckless and unprofessional” for their decision to feature interviews with 35 women who allege they were assaulted by the legendary comic.
"I hope they aren't expecting milk from these teats." Kent Rugby, Shirtless Dancer
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, GOP presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee was in New York City where hundreds of people witnessed him running from three men with nets before entering the News Corp. Building, which hosts the main studios of Fox News. Since that time, there has been a large police and medical presence outside the building, and Fox News has announced it is giving Huckabee "sanctuary from public health officials in general, but especially mental health experts."
MIAMI, Florida (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Donald Trump can't handle the truth -- that even his beauty queens don't support his pronouncements about Mexicans and immigrants. Trump has made illegal immigration the centerpiece of his bid to become the next president of the United States.  He not only called for the building of a great…
ANKENY, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie yelled at his one millionth American, but did not know it until this morning when he updated his "Bully Diary," which records his yelling exploits. The lucky American to be shouted down by Christie for approximately five minutes was an unidentified gun rights activist, who decided to challenge Christie's record on guns.
David Cameron has said seagulls from Devon and Cornwall could be sent to Syria in a bid to help coalition forces tackle Islamist insurgents. A spokesperson for the unfussy seabirds said the gulls were definitely ‘up for a fight’, and would do whatever it takes to repel the terrorist threat posed by IS militia, especially if there was a fish supper in it for them.
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for.
A royal spokesman today revealed that Hitler made secret visits to Buckingham Palace in 1933 for tea with members of the royal family.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Vice President Joe Biden briefed media today on his upcoming schedule, the status of several projects his office is working on, and his mastery of a deadly effective karate move that is virtually impossible to defend. “We’ll be in Omaha on Wednesday and Boise the following day,” Biden said, “And I’m going to request…
A local iPhone was bluntly honest in a dating profile when it wrote that its hobbies included “being taken into bathrooms” and “watching [its] owner crap.”
MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - It's official. Philippines President NoyNoy Aquino now holds the Guinness World Record for the longest State of the Nation Address (SONA). Aquino delivered his last SONA Monday night before a joint session of Congress. From his first word to the last, it took him two hours and ten minutes,…
"But on the other hand, if little cute puppy there got a splinter in the underside doing that, that would be the howliest, gnarliest, sound you have ever heard. It would dissolve that smiley child's face into a red mass of water and sobby half spoken breaths. Even I would downclick that." Jessie Krufts, Incinerator Manager
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Former Governor of Arkansas and Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee announced today he much preferred Hitler to Obama, because Hitler "got good stuff done." Huckabee's remarks followed his scathing criticism of the nuclear deal President Obama brokered with Iran during which he stated Obama and Iran "will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven."
New York, NY – Presidential candidate Donald Trump has faced the embarrassing wrath of a heckler more than a few times in past months. The controversial billionaire is seeking the White House as his newest mansion and acquisition.  

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