If only republicans could harness Rubio’s palpableness, or, in this case, his Palaptineness. I like to start off by not making sense, but let me explain how our democracy works today. Sorry that I used the words democracy and works and today in the same sentence. Boy, I’m off to a worse start than the Mets.…

The RFU got a post Halloween fright today when they realised that the Rugby World Cup went on after England's group stage exit, culminating in someone actually winning it.

‘I woke up on Monday morning in a cold sweat convinced I had left the lights on in my car or something,’ said organising Chairman Brian Yeoman. ‘I went downstairs, checked the car, then the back gate and few other things but still had that nagging doubt that I'd forgotten something. Then it hit me, I left the Rugby World Cup on and completely forgot about it!’

PORTLAND, OR — Tragedy struck last night as thousands of viewers watched live, when a freak accident left local TV news weatherman Alphonso Matte severely disfigured. An as-yet-undetermined malfunction with the station’s green screen technology, used to create the illusion that a weatherperson is standing in front of an animated display, is believed to be responsible.

FLORIDA (The Barbed Wire) - In a final effort to pump up his floundering poll numbers, Jeb! Bush has hired the Hillary Clinton campaign team to oversee a relaunch of his campaign. Since the Clinton team has relaunched Hillary's campaign six times in six months, Jeb! figured they were the right people for the job.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, presumptuous Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was considering Dick Cheney for her old job at the U.S. Department of State. Clinton explained Cheney "made sense" as Secretary of State since her foreign policy would resemble the Cheney-inspired preemptive war policy used by President George W. Bush, and pointed to her consistent record of wanting to go to war with countries predominantly located in the Middle East and North Africa.

Anaheim, CA – Most of the nation’s foremost experts in the field of Christianity will meet in in November of 2016 to discuss a variety of key topics.  This meeting of the Christian Leadership Alliance will pull in only the best of the best to reflect specifically on the current ending of The Lord’s Prayer.

The more I hear about him, the more I like this David Vitter guy. I keep hearing words like “ruthless,” “vindictive,” and “bully” used to describe this ambitious Republican. Sounds like a man after my own heart, if I had one. Ever.

From Our Media Correspondent: The large number of Sherlock Holmes movies, television and radio programme's currently being recorded on location in London has been blamed for the fog over the capital, an insider told this newspaper outside this morning.

The Met Office is reporting that the blanket of fog that is currently suffocating our country is due to remain for a second day, with experts warning that it is likely to cause wide-scale irritation.

There is nothing more Louisianian than a governor who likes his hookers and his political dirty tricks. How can we be handed such a perfect continuation of our colorful gubernatorial legacy and then spurn it for some leftist hippie with a clean background?

MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles) - Supermarkets and retailers in the Philippines are reporting a severe shortage of plastic wrap as a result of recent reports that  incoming and outgoing airline passengers at Manila's Ninoy Aquino International Airport (NAIA) are being held and charged for alleged bullets found in their luggage. Known as laglag bala (bullet drop) or tanim…

Portland Police: "Someone is purposefully and slowly trying to kill your child over a period of the next forty to fifty years."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush was widely criticized for his latest jobs plan failing to get presidential rival Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) back to work. Bush's plan was declared "a complete failure" by conservative and liberal observers alike for its exclusive reliance on guilt, and failure to give Rubio any incentives to get back to work.

Jeb Bush, a middle-aged to elderly-looking male with glasses, announced his candidacy for President today.

Halloween 2015 finds Donald Trump spooked and crashing back to Earth like Wild E. Coyote meets Icarus meets a certain David Bowie movie. Polls show Ben Carson topping Trump as much as 14% in the state that holds the first key challenge. The Donald is hoping to change his fortunes there, but as he tours through the…

‘One woman came in a nurse’s costume, but she was actually a nurse.’

Assad and Putin have a good laugh at U.S. expense The famed web expose site WikiLeaks scored a mammoth coup this week with its hidden camera surveillance of the Assad-Putin meeting in Moscow. The leader of Syria and the President of Russia were presumably meeting to discuss their mutual concerns about the rebellion in Syria.

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (The Adobo Chronicles) - The next time your mom or grandma says to you, "Eat your vegetables," she will no longer be referring to broccoli, carrots, zucchini, tomatoes or asparagus. Today, the Botanical Society of America (BSA) formally ended the decades-long debate among bonanists, nutritionists and culinary experts about whether some plant produce…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she will dress up as a Walmart cashier for Halloween. Clinton declared her costume selection was meant to inform Americans she sat on Walmart's board of directors from 1986 to 1992, and was complicit in outsourcing American jobs to foreign sweatshops while she actively worked against labor unions.