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WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, the Republican National Committee (RNC) announced the GOP was adopting the slogan "VOTE GOP 2016 OR DIE." RNC Chairman Reince Priebus explained the new Republican slogan best summarized the current discourse of the party's members, especially its presidential candidates.
BELLVILLE, Illinois--ACME Corporation CEO Latran Ferrell announced today a nationwide recall on ACME Bullshit Detectors that will affect nearly 100 million customers.  Ferrell said the recall will affect all BS 1000 models manufactured after June of 2015. "We weren't initially aware that the models were malfunctioning," Ferrell said, "I actually own one myself.  But I…
SAN FRANCISCO, California (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Two of the national minority joirnalism organizations have issued advisories urging the media to refrain from using the term, 'anchor baby,' which commonly refers to a child born in the U.S. to non-citizen parents. The Asian American Journalists Association  (AAJA) and the National Association of Hispanic Journalists (NAHJ)…
VIRGINIA (The Barbed Wire) - Trying to quell any attempt by Donald Trump to potentially launch a third-party run for the White House in 2016, state legislators in several states are debating whether to pass requirements that candidates sign or agree to "loyalty oaths," stating they would support whoever the Republican nominee is.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Late this afternoon, President Obama announced his intention to rename the tallest mountain in the Presidential Range located in New Hampshire. Obama explained Mount Washington would be renamed "Mount Obama," because he was better at being president than America's first president under the Constitution - George Washington.
It has been revealed today that a collection of audio cassettes seized from Osama Bin Laden’s abandoned Afghan compound, actually contain an alarming amount of 80s pop tunes.

Brett Rogers, one of the first U.S. Navy Seals to enter the compound, claimed he was alerted to Bin Laden’s whereabouts by the distant melodic tones of Salt-N-Pepa’s Push It. ‘Well the lyrics do say that “this dance ain’t for everybody, only for the sexy people” obviously I took it as a sign’.
Crimes against comedy: The demise of Adam Sandler Pixels, the big screen equivalent of horse shit, came on the heels of The Cobbler, the biggest stinker of Adam Sandler’s career (which was also his lowest-grossing title ever). In the realms of artistic credibility, Hotel Transylvania has been his only respectable offering recently...
HOLLYWOOD, California  (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - The movers and skakers of the American television industry have just had it with indecent exposure on live TV and on the red carpet at awards shows. In a rare move by the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) and the National Cable Television Association (NCTA) with the full…

Association of International Frog Worshippers Best Aquarius Prediction, March 2014
Dial-Up Fastest Horoscope Download of the Year, 1994
The Humble John McCain Fellowship Best Prediction Involving Soup In A Horoscope, May 2015
Organisers of the Layer under Haye fete, August Bank Holiday Monday 2-5pm, say they have managed to book the Segway cameraman who tripped up world famous running Jamaican Usain Bolt.
Washington – It’s getting harder and harder to tell if GOP candidates running for president are saying things to differentiate themselves or just losing their minds.  Today on NBC’s Meet The Press, Scott Walker launched an offensive lob towards Canada.  
LACONIA, NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie announced he wanted to fit a permanent shock collar equipped with a Global Positioning System (GPS) on all illegal immigrants that entered the United States. Christie explained every illegal immigrant would be fitted with a collar and dropped off in Mexico approximately two miles away from the US-Mexico border where the collar would be activated and programmed to shock an illegal immigrant if he or she came within one mile of the United States.
Dresden – Medical scientists in Germany acknowledged this week that a local woman has given birth to a 24 year old man.  No one outside of Germany has actually seen the man but it is believed that he is approximately 5’9″ tall, weighing about 145 pounds.
CLEVELAND (The Barbed Wire) - The latest excuse for how Hillary Clinton managed to do her job as Secretary of State if she never sent or received any classified materials through her home-grown private email server, as she claims, is that she used her head.
Hillary angered by new CNN poll: 98.5% of Americans consider her a "total horse's ass."
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a video was released to major media outlets in the United States by a Christian extremist named Sarah Palin, who has ties to an anti-American Alaskan separatist group and a church that speaks in tongues, practices faith healing, and performs exorcisms. In the video, Palin discussed plans to destroy America with Republican presidential candidate and wealthy aspiring dictator Donald Trump.
Schoolchildren from a South London primary school have entered the county of Wiltshire, and are heading toward Stonehenge, according to reports.
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable...
DES MOINES, Iowa (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina on Thursday reiterated claims made by her rival Jeb Bush that Asian women oftentimes come to the U.S. for the purpose of having babies, which then provide them with the rewards of health care, education and ultimately in most cases, future citizenship.…
PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania--After working with Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Tim Tebow for more than a year, quarterback coach Tom House believes he has finally identified the reason the Heisman Trophy-winning play caller has had such difficulty improving on his much-maligned throwing motion. "Timmy masturbates a lot," House says, "Profusely.  And with an amazing amount of vigor.  I…

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