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WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) warned Americans that listening to Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz, and anyone else classified as a "Mad Republican" for even a minute "will absolutely result in concussion-like symptoms." CDC Director Dr. Tom Frieden explained the grade of concussion-like symptoms an American risked depended on how far to the right the Mad Republican speaker they listened to was.
Seven children in Rancho Bernardo, California were cited for violating drought related water restrictions after neighbors reported their water balloon fight to police Saturday.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Obama sent his annual message to Congressional Republicans asking them "not to shut down the government again." Obama's handwritten letter explained to Republicans they had control of both chambers of Congress, so they needed to "get their act together, stop being drama queens, and pass some bills that actually have a chance of being signed by me."
Sir Bobby Charlton has pledged that his all-time England goal scoring record is only out on loan to Wayne Rooney. The 77 year old England and Manchester United legend confirmed he is back in training with a view to catching Roy Hodgson’s eye ahead of next summer’s European Championships in France.

‘First thing this morning I was down training at Carrington with Nobby Stiles putting me through my paces...’
Labor Day is noted mostly for being a transition day. Labor Day. The last plastic souvenir sports bottle of lemonade on the dying coals of summer. Not so much a festive celebration as a beacon for the halfway point between 4th of July and Thanksgiving. The spot on the calendar where fireworks switch to Jack-O-Lanterns.
SALISBURY, North Carolina (The Adobo Chronicles®) — The band Survivor has filed a $1.2 million lawsuit against Kim Davis and Republican Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee over the unauthorized use of its hit song “Eye of the Tiger." Davis, the Rowan County clerk who was jailed after refusing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, was released Tuesday morning, after serving…
Insisting that every nation in Europe must do its part to help with the refugee crisis, Pope Francis has agreed to admit into his Vatican residence one refugee, a 32-year-old Syrian bricklayer named Azzam Farza.
Wayne Rooney is now a better footballer than Bobby Charlton, after scoring 50 goals for England.

Rooney, 32, didn't howl with tears after scoring the most important goal of his Bobby Charelton beating career.
CUPERTINO, CA (The Barbed Wire) - Feeling pressured to hold a September event like they always do, but out of new ideas, Apple's CEO Tim Cook promised those in attendance at today's product update meeting that the company would come up with something cool at some far-off date in the future.
Los Angeles, CA – Looking as fit and confident as ever, Hillary Clinton stood before a small group of admirers as she was sworn in as an honorary member of The Charlie’s Angels Society of Greater Los Angeles.  
The NFL season gets underway tomorrow, which means that superfans all over the country will be scrambling to set their lineups for the virtual gridiron. In what is usually a simple game, some leagues are adding in a new scoring option that might make the fantasy football season a little more interesting.
The election front-runner, Jeremy Corbyn, has rejected the rumour that the popular socialist super-group has 'split' for good. Although Yvette Cooper has hinted that she may pursue solo projects, a spokesman for Harry Styles has said he is still committed to 'progressive centre-left politics' and 'screaming twelve year old girls'.

The group claim to have had four number ones but voters can only remember their fetid pile of 'number twos'...
Wouldn’t it be nice if marital life could be summarized as neatly as financial news? It’s always amused me that financial reporters write as if all economic behavior can be reduced to a haiku-length recitation of cause and effect.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a senior campaign staffer close to Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton confirmed a popular psychic from the late 1990s named "Miss Cleo" had warned Mrs. Clinton of a "horrible Berning in 2016." Clinton laughed at questions from the press about the private discussion she took part in with Miss Cleo, and stated she was "not very concerned about any psychic reading I allegedly received this morning."
HOLLYWOOD, Calfornia  (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - She may just have been released from county jail, but Kim Davis, the Rowan County clerk who defied a Supreme Court ruling asking her to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, could end up back behind bars. To celebrate her release after six hard days in prison, Davis…
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Florida Governor Rick Scott (R) threw his support behind a new voter I.D. bill that aims to be the strictest in the nation. The "Voting Responsibly Bill," or "HB 2016," was introduced by Florida House Speaker Steve Crisafulli (R - District 51) and will only allow a Republican National Committee (RNC) membership card to be an acceptable form of identification for Florida voters.
Kim Davis is free. And it didn't come without thousands of supporters rallying outside the Carter County Detention Center and a visit from Old MacDonald. Kim Davis expressed her desire to get back to her post as a county clerk, but what she discovered upon her release from jail was devastating.
'Perhaps in the heat of the moment my saying civilisation would end if he became leader was a little hasty and that my saying anyone who voted for him was a moron was misquoted and out of context.

Actually some of my friends are raving lefty loonies, er - I mean principled comrades...
by Paul Lander.Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable [more...]Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.
ROWAN COUNTY, Kentucky (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - In her first interview since being put  behind bars for defying the Supreme Court ruling ordering her to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis answered questions posed by The Adobo Chronicles®. (She made it very clear that she was granting us the interview "under…

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