“I am responsible for every sound bite Trump has given.” – Sarah Palin “We’re gonna knock your socks off, America!” said Sarah Palin, as she signed napkins for customers at the Lock ‘N Load Dinner in Wasilla, Alaska. “Are you nervous about how the press will respond to your endorsing Trump?” asked this reporter.

Outspoken Ruby42 joins Jeremy and Sunny to discuss the pro and cons of various superpowers, her Cajun-zombie apocalypse experience, and well-endowed female runners.

Anytime the topic is brought up, conservatives inevitably point out that the person broaching the subject is either too poor or too rich to legitimately do so.

Orlando, FL – (satireworld.com)

OK readers, put down that knife and fork and let’s review five national pizza restaurants that claim to produce, not only the best pizza, but the most authentic and tasty slices of an Italian delicacy this side of Naples, Italy.

Yellowstone National Park – (satireworld.com)

The popular online satire site, SatireWorld.com, has issued a written directive to its staff of seasoned humor authors warning them of writing material suitable for the LGBT community.... ‘from this day forward any persons who are gay, sorta gay, homosexuals, child perverts, upside-down gendered, trans-fatty gendered, or lesbians are banned from reading any posted satire articles on SatireWorld.’

HOLLYWOOD (The Barbed Wire) - Still pissed off about the "whiteness" of the Oscars for the second year in a row, Hollywood celebrities are lining up to say they will not be voting in 2016 because the Democratic presidential field is also too white. "Are you telling me there wasn't ONE brother out there qualified to run this year?"

"I realize this kind of thing has happened hundreds of times before," the Sgt. said, "but somehow I never thought that if I posted something racist it would be perceived in the only way it could possibly be perceived."

San Quentin Prison – (satireworld.com)
Yes, the judge finally had enough and sentenced Lindsay Lohan to the electric chair. Sentence to be carried out immediately.
Lindsay Lohan knew immediately something was wrong when she woke up and found the prison chaplain by her bedside. After confronting him with tears in her eyes, Chaplain Piebottom explained that she wasn’t leaving jail after all, and in fact, was being moved to death row.

Bono to arrange Fire Swamp Benefit Concert.  

Lancashire police have investigated claims by two migrant school children that they had been kidnapped by a cannibalistic old lady and forced to live in a house made of cake and confectionery.

Police say the children, 10 year old Hasten and his sister Ghrezal made the claim during an English lesson at their primary school in Lancashire

The State of the Union: it’s complicated In his last State of the Union Address, that renowned weaver of uplifting platitudes, President Barack Obama, crocheted his constituents one final quilt of bittersweet melancholy to remember him by.

Sarah Palin threw her considerable oratorical skills behind Donald Trump today in a rabble rousing speech that roused a specially invited rabble, according to a man writing on Twitter.

AMES, Iowa (The Adobo Chronicles) - The Washington Post is reporting that Sarah Palin returned to center stage of a presidential campaign yesterday, a few years older but still wearing her signature rimless eyeglasses. Her auburn hair is bouncier. And her keen ability to capture the spotlight is not at all diminished. The former Alaska governor was…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a source inside the Republican presidential campaign of loose cannon billionaire Donald Trump announced former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin had been promised the position of Secretary of Defense in exchange for her endorsement of Trump for president. Trump addressed the press within minutes of the leak, and explained he did not want a Secretary of Defense who would ask questions or present any informed reality-based opposition when he ordered the use of nuclear weapons against "wherever."

New York – (satireworld.com)

An Obamacare asshole screening initiative to clean up prospective presidential candidates has seen an ugly 'butt tatt' removed from Hillary Clinton’s saggy derriere according to Our Man Behind The Speculum.

Hopping around in anger on his stuck-together legs, the 2016 Oscar for Best Actor was livid with having to go to yer another white actor.

WASHINGTON,  D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles) - Now it can be told. Millions of Americans watched President Barack Obama's final State of the Union (SOTU) address on January 12, 2016. But something transpired at the end of his speech that the television networks did not show to their viewers.  You had to have been inside the…

New York City, NY – (satireworld.com)
NBC News (sic) announced that Chelsea Clinton, the only acknowledged child of former President Bill Clinton, and ex-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, had been hired as a special correspondent for the network.
According to a spokesperson for the network, Chelsea’s first assignment will be to create a documentary cartoon reprising Alvin and the Chipmunks, tentatively entitled “Yes we have no nuts today but there’s plenty of Arugula!” a spoof on Christmas in the Obama White House.

This is the first non-fiction headline to appear on The Discord. It’s not ours. Discord News Alert: we can not compete with this. It’s important to understand one’s limitations as this is simply beyond our current comedic abilities. To add insult to spoofery, on the same day our lead anchor, Matt Mathewson, informed me of a second headline: Red Power Ranger…

The Foreign Office is said to be in disarray at the prospect of around five million people arriving back in the UK within the next twelve months, as a result of new UN regulations. Offshore millionaires and home-grown welfare migrants alike are set to flood our shores; with their inability to order anything off a menu unless 'it starts with a number'.